Greek God
My wife said I look like a Greek god.
Her actual words were, “Put your clothes on, we’re in a museum” but I know what she meant.
God Jokes
These divine God jokes and puns really are a revelation that’ll bring light into your life!
Village Idiot
The village idiot wanted to get rich.
Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.
Every night, “God, please let me win the lottery!!!!”
This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, God steps in front of him and slaps him across his face!
“At least buy a ticket, man!!!”
Garden Of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
“Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a man, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But… he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”
“Well… you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring… So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. But remember, it’s our little secret… You know, woman to woman.”
Grateful Husband
A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to God to give thanks.
To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of God spoke to him.
Man: God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?
God: I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.
Man: And why did you make her so kind-hearted?
God: I made her such so that you could love her, my son.
Man: And God, did you make her such an amazing cook?
God: I blessed her with the talent of cooking so that you could love her, my son.
Man: Thank you, Lord, but forgive me but I must ask one more question. Why, God, did you make her so dumb?
God: I made her dumb, my son, so that she could love you.
Cat In Heaven
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”
“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”
Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”
The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”
“Aha,” said God, “You may sit on my left.”
Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”
“I believe,” replied the cat, “That you are sitting in my seat.”
Noah’s Ark
One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah my old buddy, I want you to make me a new ark.”
Noah replies, “No problem God, my old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you’re the boss!”
But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other.”
“20 decks!”, shouts Noah. “Well, Okay Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”
“Yep, that’s right, well… sort of right… this time I want you to fill it up with fish,” God answers.
“Fish?” queries Noah.
“Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling carp!”
Noah looks to the skies. “Okay God, let me get this right, You want a new ark?”
“Yeah.”
“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”
“Yeah.”
“And you want it full of carp?”
“Check.”
“But why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
“Dunno,” says God, “I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark.”
Basketball Game
God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.
“I know for a fact we are gonna win,” said God. “We have all the best players up here…Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on.”
“I wouldn’t count on that, God,” said Satan. “You see, down here, we have all the referees.”
Treated Like A God
My parents treat me like a god…
They don’t believe in me.
Higher Power Needed
None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.
Turns out they just needed a higher power.
Let There Be Light!
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light.”
There was still nothing, but now you could see it.
Book Of Revelation
John the Apostle is writing the Book of Revelation.
He says to God, “So, Lord, the end will be signalled by trumpets?”
God replies, “No… I said Trump/Pence.”
John says, “Yeah, trumpets.”
God says, “No… oh, never mind. They’ll know.”
Time For A Rest
After God had created 24 hours of alternating light and darkness, one of his angels asked him what he was going to do next.
He said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
Three Blondes
There are these three blondes stood on one side of the river one day, wondering how they’re going to get across to the other side.
The first blonde, in desperation, begins to pray, “God please make me smart enough to get across this river.”
God hears this and turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river.
The second blonde then also starts to pray, saying, “Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river.”
So God turns her into a redhead and she builds a boat and rows across the river.
The third blonde, seeing this, also start to pray. She says, “Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined.”
So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.
