Battery Kiosk
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in the local park.
So basically, she sells C cells by the seesaw.
Girl Jokes
It’s never too g-early for a collection of funny girl jokes and puns, so enjoy these diamonds!
Movie Choice
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Dating Rosemary
My brother is dating a girl called Rosemary.
I don’t know what he season her.
New Baby
My friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked, “What’s her name?”
My friend replied, “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker said, “How do you spell it, then?”
Strange Movie
I watched a movie last night where Patrick Swayze teaches a girl how to type on a keyboard.
QWERTY Dancing.
Unlit Cigarette
A girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her I’m just looking for a match.
Electrician Love
Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he met?
Because he couldn’t resistor.
Ladies Man
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet.
He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
Early Finish
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.
The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband in bed with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
Later, that day …
“That was fun,” says the brunette.
“We should do it again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”
Dream Girl
Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date.
Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times.
Houseboat
I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Mutant Power
Professor X asks a girl, “What is your mutant power?”
The girl replies, “I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!”
She points up and says, “3 pulls.”
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
He says, “Yeah that’s cool and all, but not really a super power…”
The girl replies, “Yeah I was just kidding, I can heal paraplegics.”
Professor X, still standing: “Oh my God!”
Scary Cemetery
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery last night and said, “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk through with me?”
I said, “Oh yeah of course. Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.”
Childminder
I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby.
Now I have two issues:
1. How to tell this to my wife.
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby.
Airline Check-in
I think the girl at the airline check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
Stomach Butterflies
My son asked, “Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!”
I gently put my arm around him and replied, “That’s easy son…”
“Stop eating caterpillars!”
Corruption Defined
A little girl asks her father, “Daddy, what is corruption?”
Her dad replies, “Go bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
The girl says, “But mommy said you should stop drinking!”
The dad says, “Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.”
The girl says, “Oh, okay!”
Crying Girl
I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
Bodybuilding Program
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.
It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz
Race Cars
I was in a bar the other day when a girl asked me, “What do you do?”
I said, “I race cars.”
She asked, “Do you win many races?”
I said, “No, the cars are much faster.”
Twin Girls
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
German Girls
Why do German girls all have the same phone number?
Every one of them I ask says 999-9999.
Strange Date
I was on a date with this really beautiful girl.
Well, it wasn’t a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.
Then the plane landed.
Impressing Girls
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
He’s a pickup artist.
Exchange Numbers
I was talking to a girl in a bar last night and she said, “Hey, let’s exchange numbers.”
I said, “Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?”
Good Time Girl
I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside she ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.
Valentine’s Day Flowers
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine’s Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”
Farm Girl
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
Only 4
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
Day Ends In ‘Y’
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.
I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”
Better Without Glasses
I told a girl she looked better without her glasses on.
She said I also look better without her glasses on.
Getting Heavy
After kissing a girl on her sofa she said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”
“Okay” I said, “You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”
It’s A Date!
The girl I like said she’d go out with me if I knew a six letter word that’s a synonym for “calm”.
I said, “It’s sedate.”
Impress The Girls
I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”
He said, “Try the ATM outside”.
Fish Catcher
What do you call a girl who catches fish?
Annette.
Teddy Bear
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
Fairy Tales
A little girl asked her Dad one day, “Dad, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time?'”
Her Dad replied, “No honey, some of them begin with ‘If I’m elected.'”
Kylo Ren
Why does Kylo Ren never get girls?
Because for most of his life he’s Ben Solo.
Blind Date
I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation.
It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.
If you like her, you just ignore your phone.
If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
It works every time, no worries.
So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning!
But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
Three Blondes
There are these three blondes stood on one side of the river one day, wondering how they’re going to get across to the other side.
The first blonde, in desperation, begins to pray, “God please make me smart enough to get across this river.”
God hears this and turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river.
The second blonde then also starts to pray, saying, “Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river.”
So God turns her into a redhead and she builds a boat and rows across the river.
The third blonde, seeing this, also start to pray. She says, “Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined.”
So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.
