New Wig
My balding friend bought a new wig before moving away, so I got him a comb as a parting gift.
Gift Jokes
You couldn’t wish for a better present than these hilarious gift jokes and puns! Unwrap them now!
Sugar Gift
A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift.
I thought it was very sweet.
Mariah Carey’s Christmas Present
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present.
Inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.
Disappointed, she set the deed down and said…
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Underfloor Heating
My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.
It was a house warming gift.
Gift Buying Competition
My brother and I are really competitive when it comes to buying gifts for our mother’s sister.
This year, my brother bought her a stairlift.
He’s really upped the Auntie this time.
Soda Giver
What do you call someone who gives out soda at Christmas?
Fanta Clause.
Angry Girlfriend
My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for Christmas.
I don’t know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
Christmas Breakfast
A newly-married couple wakes up on their first Christmas morning together.
The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, “Merry Christmas, hun! Don’t get up, I have a surprise for you. As your first Christmas present, I’m going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed… Eggs Benedict!”
“Wow, great!” says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.
A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict; fresh and steaming hot on a plate.
The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he’s never seen before.
Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.
“This is wonderful, darling!” the husband says. “But what’s with the fancy plate, did you get it especially for today?”
“Of course I did,” beams the wife. “It’s Christmas! There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
Metal Detector
I got my wife a metal detector as a present, but she didn’t like it.
Strange as she always likes to dig up things from the past.
Wedding Invitation
I received a wedding invitation.
It read, “Your presence itself is a present. We don’t want any presents at the wedding.”
After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I wasn’t invited. So I decided not to attend.
Peach Gift
My friend handed me a peach.
I told him I prefer pears.
So he handed me another one.
Lawyer Entitlement
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
One of the cops replies, “You are the lawyer.”
The lawyer says, “Exactly, so where’s my present?”
Nice Pendant
I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with “le monde” carved in it.
It means the world to her.
Shirt Gift
Give a man a shirt, and he’ll wear it once.
Tell a man he looks good in it, and he’ll wear it for a lifetime.
New Dog
I bought my husband a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.
Birthday Gift
I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Stupid Christmas Gift
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
Special Talent
I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents.
It’s a gift.
Artificial Leg
I just bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.
It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.
Hard To Cope
The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
It’s The Little Things!
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Google Glasses
I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.
He said, “Google Glasses!”
I said, “OK, but I already know what glasses are!”
Wife’s Birthday Present
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.
Important Gift
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
