Lanw Maintenance Job
I got fired from my lawn maintenance job.
Guess I just wasn’t cutting it.
Garden Jokes
We won’t beat about the bush – we’ve planted these funny garden jokes here to sow the seeds of laughter!
Garden Tool
What movie do you get when you cross Post Malone with a garden tool?
Hoe Malone.
Herbs
Today, my parsley, basil, and rosemary all turned against me.
Thyme is on my side, though.
Suspicious Mole
I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
Landscape Gardener
I hired a landscape gardener the other day.
But then he came to me and told me that he couldn’t do the work, because my garden is portrait.
Herb Garden Thief
I ran out of food and I had to steal from next door’s herb garden.
I’m living on borrowed thyme.
Community Garden
My neighbor just got arrested for ruining our community garden.
They charged him with disturbing the peas.
City-Dwelling Gnomes
Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?
Because they are metro gnomes.
Wet Grass
People think grass don’t be wet in the morning.
But it dew.
Lawn Care Music
What kind of music do lawn care specialists listen to?
Motown.
Garden Of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
“Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a man, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But… he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”
“Well… you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring… So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. But remember, it’s our little secret… You know, woman to woman.”
Chicken Proof
I have a chicken proof lawn.
It’s impeckable.
Lawn Mower
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
He just didn’t cut it.
Lawn Decorations
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
Garden Gnomes
Not many people know that almost all garden gnomes have red hats.
It’s a little gnome fact.
Gardening Skills
Has anyone else’s gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since.
Sad Plant
If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
Hanging Baskets
My business making and selling hanging baskets has just gone bust.
It’s sad really, they looked great with Pansies, Lobelias and Marigolds. Sadly, no Fuchsia in it.
Hedge Trimmer
I bought a new shrub trimmer today…
It’s cutting hedge technology.
Lawnmower Man
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.
Garden Soil
Someone keeps adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
A Lot Of Sacrifices
In order to make a relationship work you have to make a lot of sacrifices….
Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden.
Dig A Hole
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water.
I think he meant well.
