My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.

I told her it’s because it’s my last hope for a smoking hot body.

Funeral Gathering

What do you call it when all your mother’s sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?

Vigil aunties.

Funeral Speech

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, “Mind if I say a word?”

She says, “Please do.”

The man clears his throat and says, “Bargain.”

The widow replies, “Thanks that means a great deal.”

Death Requests

When I die, I have but two requests:

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.

The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

Cremation Wish

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

Before I Die…

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

Best Salesman

What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?

The Top Urner.

Second Funeral

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall whilst carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there’s another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

Early Funeral

I hate how funerals are usually at 9am or 10am.

I’m not a mourning person.

Glass Coffins

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

Knock Knock

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

It’s the undertaker, sir…. It’s a good job I checked.

Wifi Password

I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the wifi password.

“Have some respect for the dead!” he said.

“Ok, is that all lower case with no spaces?” I asked.

Lifebelt Wreath

My friend drowned and it was his funeral yesterday. All his friends clubbed together and we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

Cardiologist’s Funeral

This world-renowned cardiologist sadly died. He was so famous he was given an extremely elaborate funeral that was attended by his fellow physicians, family members, friends and members of the public who he’d treated over the years.

During the service, there was a huge heart made out of flowers that stood behind the casket. At the end of the service, the heart opened and the casket slowly rolled inside. When the casket had disappeared, the heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.

Everyone was very emotional and crying at this beautiful moment, except for one mourner who burst into laughter. Everyone turned to stare angrily at him.

He said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking about my own funeral – I’m a gynaecologist.”

Funeral Wreath Joke

I saw a hearse today carrying a wreath that spelled “Dad”.

I think they left the “E” out.

Scare The Driver

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed in fright, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said “I’m sorry I really didn’t mean to frighten you. I just wanted to ask you something.”

The taxi driver said “It’s ok, it’s not your fault, Sir. You see this is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years”.

A Very Tearful Funeral

I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Traffic Warden’s Funeral

As the coffin is being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams, “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters…

“Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.”

In Case Of Zombie Apocalypse

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces of the deceased together.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

Believe In Life After Death

My boss at work said to me today, “Do you believe in the supernatural and life after death?”

“Yes, I think so,” I replied.

He said, “I thought you probably would. Yesterday after you left early to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you…”

A Bit Inappropriate

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish.

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice.

Tennis Ball

I’ve just got back from my friend’s funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

Sadly Missed

The inventor of throat lozenges has died.

There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.