Holiday Weight
Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning.
For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.
Fat Jokes
It’s a great weight off our minds to bring you these funny fat jokes and puns! There are no slim pickings here – they’re all great!
Personal Growth
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.
Her actual words were, “You’ve gotten fat,” but I know what she meant.
Overweight People
Doctors tell us that there are 8 million people who are overweight.
These, of course, are just rounded figures.
Flat Stomach
I have a flat stomach.
But the L is silent.
Getting Fat
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense…
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
Forgotten Something
I went out for a run tonight, but had to go back after two minutes because I’d forgotten something.
I’d forgotten that I’m fat, out of shape and can’t run for more than two minutes.
Weight Loss Diet
I’ve lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head.
It’s a new loaf hat diet I’m trying.
Winter Fat
Finally my winter fat has gone…
Now, I have spring rolls.
Dolly Parton Diet
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….
New Dog
I bought my husband a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.
Gardening Skills
Has anyone else’s gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since.
Expensive Belt
I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit.
My wife said it was a huge waist.
Dad Bod
I don’t have a “Dad bod”.
I have a father figure.
Weight Gain Competition
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.
Obviously, it wasn’t called that.
It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’
Sorry For The Delay
I went to the doctor’s today and when I walked in, she said, “I’m sorry about your wait.”
I said, “So am I but it’s okay, I’ve been fat all my life.”
Rise Above It
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Obese Parrot
My obese parrot just died.
Sad, but it’s a weight off my shoulders.
That’s Not Going To Work!
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Fat Mamma …
Yo Mamma so fat …
I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.
Weight Gain
Why do guys gain weight after they get married?
Because when they’re single, they come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
When they’re married, they come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge.
Hearing Problem
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing.
He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said, “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”
Water On Mars
Yo momma so fat…
She jumped in the pool and they found water on Mars.
Low Fat Diet
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”
He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”
Second Opinion
I went to the doctors today and he told me I was overweight.
I said, “I want a second opinion.”
He said, “Ok, you’re ugly too.”
