Ring Bell

A man was driving past a country estate when he saw a sign on the gatepost, “Please ring the bell for the gatekeeper.”

So he rang the bell, and an ancient man appeared. “Are you the gatekeeper?”, asked the first man.

“Yes, I am,” answered the gatekeeper. “May I help you?”

“Not really,” answered the man, “I was just wondering why you can’t ring the bell yourself.”

Russian Uber Driver

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Police Appeal

A man was seriously injured today after being run over by a reversing car.

Police are appealing for the driver to come forward.

Mum Saying

My mum always used to say, “40 is the new 30”.

Lovely woman, banned from driving…

Visit Greenwich

I am driving through England, and plan to stop at Greenwich tomorrow.

No idea what to do in the Mean Time.

Missed Flight

I was driving to the airport to catch my flight when I saw a sign that said: “Airport Left”.

So I turned around and went home.

Bus Driver Quit

I used to be a bus driver but I had to quit.

I was fed up of people talking behind my back.

Three Golf Clubs

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.

The putter orders a beer and the wedge orders a whiskey.

The bartender asks the third one if he wants anything.

He replies, “No thanks, I’m the driver.”

Bad Bus Driver

That’s the 10th passenger today who’s called me a terrible bus driver.

I don’t know where these people get off.

Subaru Driver

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?

U r a bus.

Taxi Music

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”

I said, “Not at all.”

He said, “Kiss?”

I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.”

Cat Directions

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

“Put him on the phone,” the man replies. “I’m lost and need directions.”

Evil Twin

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.

Silent Driver

I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.

It goes without saying…

Foot Cooler

Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back.

I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside.

So I decided to call a toe-truck.

Ambulance Drivers

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?

They’re pair-a-medics.

Own Boss

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

I said, “Turn left here.”

Dream Job

I got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city…

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

New Stairlift

I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift.

She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

Car Robbers

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

Golf Buggy

Driving a golf buggy isn’t as easy as it looks…

But I’ve finally got it down to a tee.

Probably Not Safe

It’s probably not safe for me to be driving my car right now.

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

Watch It!

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, I was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me, “Hey! Watch It!”

Bad Driver

I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”

All That Time

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer.

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

Country Music

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.

Delivery Driver

The delivery driver asked me what time it was.

I said, “Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm”.

Sure To Fail

My friend rang me and asked me what I was doing.

I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

Red Bull And Coffee

This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

Gave Up Seat

I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.

And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Women Drivers

A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for turning women.

Loud Snorer

Apparently I snore so loudly that …

I scare all the passengers in the car I’m driving.

Taxi Driver

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

It turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Blonde Car

A blonde pushes her car into a gas station one day.

She tells the mechanic it just died as she was driving along.

The mechanic works on it and soon has the engine idling smoothly.

The blonde asks him, “So, what’s the story?”

The mechanic says, “Just crap in the carburettor.”

The blonde asks, “Okay, how often do I have to do that?”

Who’s Driving

I woke up to my wife and kids screaming.

I said, “What are you yelling about?”

They said, “You’re driving!”

Mountain Roads

Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?

‘Scurvy.

Worst Train Driver

My boss said to me today, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed so far?”

I said, “It’s hard to keep track.”

Scare The Driver

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed in fright, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said “I’m sorry I really didn’t mean to frighten you. I just wanted to ask you something.”

The taxi driver said “It’s ok, it’s not your fault, Sir. You see this is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years”.

Not A Lawyer

A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”

“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”

Texting And Driving

I was driving to work this morning when I saw a woman texting and driving.

I was so angry I rolled down my window and threw my beer can at her.

I Had A Dream

I had a dream last night where I was driving with one hand and flipping pancakes with the other.

I was tossing and turning all night.

Taxi Home

I got a taxi home last night and when it pulled up the driver said “That’ll be six dollars, please.”

I said “I’ve only got 5, can you reverse a bit?”

Driven Mad

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

Ugly Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Not Happy

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy.”

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”