Door Lock Replacement

I’m writing a song about getting my door lock replaced.

There’s a key change at the end.

New Doorbell

I’ve decided to get a new doorbell.

Don’t knock it until you try it.

Sponge Front Door

My next-door neighbor’s front door is made of sponge.

Lots of people don’t like it, but I have to admit, I can’t knock it.

Trick Or Treaters

I’ve found that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters.

Oh here we go again, two dressed up as cops.

Neighbor Sleep

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”

“Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”

Nude Painting

I did my first nude painting yesterday.

The neighbors weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

Door Handle

This morning I met a man carrying a door handle.

I asked him why he had it.

He said, “It gets me out of the house.”

Random Lego Blocks

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I don’t know what to make of it.

Psychic Door

I went to a psychic and knocked on her front door.

She yelled: “Who is it?”

So I left.

Sales Guy

A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.

The sales guy asks, “Is your dad home?”

The kid replies, “What do you think?”

Bond’s Doorbell

What does James Bond’s doorbell sound like?

“Dong, Ding Dong”.

Childhood Home

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.

I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

No Amazon Order

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday.

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were okay.

One Door Closes

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

Oven Door

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

Home Delivery

Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.

They’re changing their name to Knockers.

Strange Burglar

I’ve just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.

I asked, “What are you doing?”

He said, “Working from home.”

High Heating Bill

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open.”

Talk About It

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen…

The door is always open.

Bunch Of Celery

Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.

I think I’m being stalked.

Strip Club

I went to a strip club at lunchtime today but it wasn’t open.

The sign on the door said, “Sorry, we’re clothed”.

Sentient Water Basin

In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter.

Let that sink in.

Hides In The Corner

Every time my doorbell rings, my dog hides in the corner.

He’s a Boxer.

Christmas Wreath

I told my Australian girlfriend that the Christmas wreath she bought was great, but to please make sure it doesn’t block the doorway.

Because then it would be a Great Barrier Wreath.

Maybe That’s Why!

My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open”.

I’m A 3D Printer

“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”

“Johnny, close the door if you’re taking a poop.”

Scared Postman

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

One Door Closes

“When one door closes, another one opens,” he said.

“That’s all well and good,” I said, “But until you fix it, I’m not buying the car.”

For Whom The Bell Tolls

My top three assumptions when my doorbell rings:

1. It’s a murderer.

2. It’s the police come to tell me everyone is dead.

3. It’s that book I ordered about positive thinking.

And They Say Chivalry Is Dead

I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady.

She kept yelling, “I’m peeing in here!”

How ungrateful!

Blacksmith’s Dog

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Note On The Fridge

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the heck did she mean?

Too Arrogant

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant.

I told her to close the door on the way back in.

In The Good Old Days

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

Dogged Pursuit

There was a knock at my door earlier. When I opened the door a policeman was stood there.

“Mr Jones?”, he asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’m afraid your dog’s just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

I said, “I don’t think so – my dog doesn’t have a bike.”

An Inconsiderate Neighbor

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning and asked “Do you know what time it is?”

Can you believe that, 2:30 AM?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Funny Plumber

First thing this morning there was a tap on my door.

My plumber has a funny sense of humor.

Wrong House

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I’ve got a parcel for your next door neighbor.”

I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate.”