Good Dog

What do you call a floating dog?

A good buoy.

Too Many Dogs

What’s the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs?

Roverdose.

Albino Dalmatian

I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It was the least I could do.

Floating Dog

I took my dog to the lake today and noticed he floats very well.

He’s a very good buoy.

Motionless Dog

I couldn’t understand why my dog was motionless.

Then I realised… it was on paws.

Hides In The Corner

Every time my doorbell rings, my dog hides in the corner.

He’s a Boxer.

Clever Cats

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines…

But catscan.

Rolex And Timex

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Now That’s Confusing

I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schroedinger’s cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Duck Attack

I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Dog Name

I named my dog “Wifi”.

Because I stole it from my neighbor.

Dead Dog

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

Dog Poop Seller

I told my friend that I made $500 a month selling dog poop.

He said, “That’s gross!”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

Legless Dog

My dog hasn’t got any legs so I call him Cigarette.

Every night when I get home from work I take him for a drag.

Wife’s Grave

I visited my wife’s grave earlier today.

A guy came past and said, “Morning.”

I said, “No, just walking the dog.”

Blacksmith’s Dog

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Talking Dog

Today, my talking dog brought a stick to me and told me he found it five hundred miles away.

That’s a bit far-fetched.

What Kind Of Fly?

One day a fly is buzzing around a wolf hound and decides to ask him, “What kind of dog are you?”

The dog replies, “I’m a wolf hound.”

The fly says, “A wolf hound? That’s an odd name. Why do they call you that?”

The dog says, “Well it’s quite simple really. My mother was a hound and my dad was a wolf.”

The fly replies, “Oh, I see…”

Then the dog asks the fly, “So, what kind of fly are you?”

The fly says, “I’m a horse-fly.”

The dog says, “NOOO WAAAAYYYYY!!!”

Don’t Blame The Dog

This young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting non-stop.

The girl can’t stand the smell and says, “Stop that! It’s disgusting!”

The guy says, “Don’t blame me, it’s the dog.”

“Don’t blame him,” says the girl. “He was cooked perfectly.”

Give A Man A Fish

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Give a dog a toffee and you’ll laugh for half an hour.

No More Cat Scans?

Now that it’s been proven that dogs can sniff out cancer, does that mean the end of the cat scan?

Not My Dog

Bob walks into a bar and sits next to a man who has a dog next to him.

He says to the man, “Has your dog ever bitten anyone?”

The man replies, “No” but then the dog jumps up and bites Bob on the arm.

“I thought you said your dog’s never bitten anyone!” shouts Bob.

The man says, “I know. That’s not my dog.”

Dog Poop

I was walking along the street yesterday when I slipped in some dog poop.

A minute later this big guy did the same thing. I said to him, “I just did that.”

He punched me in the face.

Dog Walks Into Bar

A dog walks into a bar, and takes a seat.

He says to the barman, ‘Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please’.

The barman says, ‘Wow, that’s amazing! You should join the circus!’

The dog replies, ‘Why? Do they need electricians?’