Ear Doctor
I saw an ear doctor today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion.
Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Doctor Jokes
If laughter is the best medicine, then these funny doctor jokes and puns will have you feeling better in no time!
Two Doctors
What do you call two doctors in the same room?
A paradox.
Doctor Diagnosis
The doctor said the bad news is that my organs are all shutting down since I’ve only been eating dried, salted meats.
But the good news is that I’m cured.
Amnesia
The doctor asked me how long I’d had amnesia.
I said, “For as long as I can remember.”
Broken Fingers
I got into an accident and I was surprised when the doctor handed me a report saying that my fingers were all broken.
The news was hard for me to grasp.
Suspicious Mole
I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
Insomnia
My doctor told me that I’m suffering from insomnia.
I asked, “Is it serious?”
He said, “There’s no cause for any alarm.”
Overweight People
Doctors tell us that there are 8 million people who are overweight.
These, of course, are just rounded figures.
Water On The Brain
I asked my doctor how to cure water on the brain.
He suggested a tap on the head.
Stomach Problems
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems, so the doctor asks him what he’s been eating.
“I only eat pool balls,” he says. “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.”
“I see the problem,” says the doctor. “You’re not getting enough greens.”
Heart Disease Risk
My doctor told me I’m at risk of heart disease because I eat too much sodium.
I took his advice with a grain of salt.
Hot Bath
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.
But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath.
Memory Loss
Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.
Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?
Lack Of Awareness
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Apple Addiction
What’s the worst part of an apple addiction?
You can’t see a doctor about it.
Lost Three Fingers
I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
He said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
Retina Specialist
I’m a doctor and I told a patient that he needed to see a retina specialist but he adamantly disagreed.
He eventually stopped seeing me.
Hearing Problem
Doctor: “So, you’re telling me that you have a problem hearing with one of your ears. Are you sure?”
Me: “Yes, I’m definite.”
An Apple A Day
My Grandma always used to say, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away. ”
I don’t know if that’s true, or just one of Granny’s myths.
Eye Opening
I went to the doctor because every time I opened my eyes, I vomited everywhere.
He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.
Roll Of Film
Doctor, my child just swallowed a roll of film. What should I do?
Well, let’s wait and see if anything develops.
Best Antidepressant
I told my doctor, “Yoga is the best antidepressant available.”
“Sounds like a bit of a stretch”, he replied.
Diarrhea Sufferers
Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.
That means one person enjoys it.
Young Doctor
A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman, how did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to examine her. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. I knew that was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She just didn’t have the energy she once had and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed.”
Strange Patient
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”
“Don’t worry,” says the doctor, “I’ll put some cream on it.”
“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”
“No, you don’t understand!” answers the doctor, “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”
“Oh! It happened in the garden in at the back of my house.”
“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated, “I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you.”
“On my finger!” screamed the man in pain. “The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.”
“Which one?” the doctor asked.
“How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!”
Massive Change
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It’s going to be a massive change for me.
I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.
Doctor’s Appointment
I tried getting a doctor’s appointment today.
They said to me, “How about 10 tomorrow?”
I said, “Just one is enough.
Politician Visit
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
“We have 2 basic needs, sir,” replied the head of the village. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cell phone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day.
He then asked about the second problem.
“Secondly sir, there is no cell phone coverage anywhere in this village.”
Paid A Stranger
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy.
No Magnesium
Doctor: Sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0mg!
Adam’s Apples
What do you call a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples?
A guyneckologist.
Going Deaf
My doctor told me I’m going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
Twitter Addiction
Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.
Alaskan Eye Doctor
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor?
An optical Aleutian.
Nasty Sting
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
“I’ve been stung by a nasty insect of some kind,” she tells the doctor, “but I’m ashamed to tell you where.”
“It’s okay,” says the doctor. “Our communication is privileged; I won’t tell anyone.”
“Okay,” says the woman. “It was at Walmart.”
Cherry Cake
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I’ve come out in spots like cherries on a cake.
Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.
Weird Nightmare
After being holed up in the house due to Covid-19, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Patient Knees
As a doctor, I’m addicted to hitting my patients on their knees.
I really get a kick out of it.
Colon Removal
Doctor: I’m sorry, but I had to remove your colon.
Me Why?
Birthday Cake
I said to the doctor, “Every time I eat birthday cake I get heartburn”.
She told me to take the candles off first in future.
