Tupperware Inventor
The funeral of the Tupperware inventor has been postponed.
They are trying to find the right lid to fit his coffin.
Dead Jokes
It would be a fatal mistake to miss these jokes about being dead because they’re dead funny!
Morse Code Inventor
The inventor of Morse code has passed away.
Dashes to dashes, dots to dots.
Dead Neighbor
I told my wife our next door neighbor died.
She said, “Who? Ray?”
I told her it was way too early to celebrate like that.
Irish Tomb
What do you call an Irish tomb full of coins?
A crypt o’currency.
Record Ashes
When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record.
It was his vinyl request.
Egyptian Underworld
What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?
A new bus.
Marriage Ultimatum
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon she’s gonna kill me.
It’s a matter of wife or death.
Auctioneer Death
Our local auctioneer has passed away.
He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.
Mark Anthony’s Death
Why couldn’t Cleopatra accept Mark Antony’s death?
She was the queen of denial.
Water Jug Inventor
The inventor of the water jug died today.
Tributes have been pouring in.
Strange Darts Game
I just had a game of darts with a zombie and an alien.
One undead and E.T.
Dentist Graves
Why are dentists’ graves hard to find?
There’s no plaque.
Dead Husband
My husband died and afterwards, I couldn’t even look at another man for almost 20 years.
But now that I’m out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Politician Death
What does a politician do after he dies?
He lies still.
Last Request
As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.
My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging.
Tired Skeleton
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper.
Dead Cowboy
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the living daylights out of all of you!'”
St Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Couple of minutes ago.”
Arnie’s Tombstone
If Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tombstone doesn’t say, “I’ll be back…”
Someone has made a grave mistake.
Sad Loss
The man who created autocorrect has died.
May he restaurant in peace.
Hillbilly Return
What’s it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?
Reintarnation.
Death Requests
When I die, I have but two requests:
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.
The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
Lawyer In Heaven
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven.
When he gets there, he’s greeted by St. Peter himself.
The lawyer says, “What happened? I wasn’t in an accident and I’m too young to die. I’m only 52!”
St. Peter says, “Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that’s a pretty good life.”
The lawyer yells, “84! How did you figure that?”
St. Peter responds, “We added up your client billing time sheets.”
Venice Boat
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice.
My gondolences.
Voodoo Doll
I went to the acupuncturist the other day.
When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.
Scary Cemetery
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery last night and said, “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk through with me?”
I said, “Oh yeah of course. Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.”
Cat In Heaven
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”
“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”
Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”
The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”
“Aha,” said God, “You may sit on my left.”
Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”
“I believe,” replied the cat, “That you are sitting in my seat.”
Manage His Affairs
When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs.
How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I’ll never know.
Say What?
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
Tickled To Death
What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?
Manslaughter.
Zombie Bodybuilder
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Ready To Retire
After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means…
And the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.
Dead Hackers
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Autopsy Club
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club.
It was open Mike night.
Last Wish
My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
Last Words
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Liters, Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
Sentenced To Death
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.
But he left me hanging.
Bowl Of Muesli
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Velcro Inventor
The man who invented Velcro died.
RIP.
Sleeping Pet
Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try.
My goldfish died.
Pride
People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.
And sure enough he was eaten by his favorite lion last Friday.
