Dead Neighbor

I told my wife our next door neighbor died.

She said, “Who? Ray?”

I told her it was way too early to celebrate like that.

Irish Tomb

What do you call an Irish tomb full of coins?

A crypt o’currency.

Record Ashes

When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record.

It was his vinyl request.

Marriage Ultimatum

My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon she’s gonna kill me.

It’s a matter of wife or death.

Auctioneer Death

Our local auctioneer has passed away.

He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.

Mark Anthony’s Death

Why couldn’t Cleopatra accept Mark Antony’s death?

She was the queen of denial.

Water Jug Inventor

The inventor of the water jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

Strange Darts Game

I just had a game of darts with a zombie and an alien.

One undead and E.T.

Dentist Graves

Why are dentists’ graves hard to find?

There’s no plaque.

Dead Husband

My husband died and afterwards, I couldn’t even look at another man for almost 20 years.

But now that I’m out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Last Request

As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging.

Dead Cowboy

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the living daylights out of all of you!'”

St Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

Arnie’s Tombstone

If Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tombstone doesn’t say, “I’ll be back…”

Someone has made a grave mistake.

Sad Loss

The man who created autocorrect has died.

May he restaurant in peace.

Hillbilly Return

What’s it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation.

Death Requests

When I die, I have but two requests:

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.

The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

Lawyer In Heaven

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven.

When he gets there, he’s greeted by St. Peter himself.

The lawyer says, “What happened? I wasn’t in an accident and I’m too young to die. I’m only 52!”

St. Peter says, “Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that’s a pretty good life.”

The lawyer yells, “84! How did you figure that?”

St. Peter responds, “We added up your client billing time sheets.”

Venice Boat

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice.

My gondolences.

Voodoo Doll

I went to the acupuncturist the other day.

When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

Scary Cemetery

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery last night and said, “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk through with me?”

I said, “Oh yeah of course. Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.”

Cat In Heaven

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”

Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “You may sit on my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

“I believe,” replied the cat, “That you are sitting in my seat.”

Manage His Affairs

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs.

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I’ll never know.

Say What?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Tickled To Death

What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?

Manslaughter.

Zombie Bodybuilder

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

Ready To Retire

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means…

And the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.

Dead Hackers

Where are dead computer hackers buried?

In decrypt.

Autopsy Club

Everyone was excited at the autopsy club.

It was open Mike night.

Last Wish

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

Last Words

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Liters, Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

Sentenced To Death

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

Bowl Of Muesli

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Sleeping Pet

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try.

My goldfish died.

Pride

People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.

And sure enough he was eaten by his favorite lion last Friday.

Pillow Fight

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight…

Unless you’re prepared to deal with the Reaper cushions.

After You Die

After you die what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

Dead Diary Thief

The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

Pun Entry

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.

Pun in, 10 dead.

Before I Die…

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

Obese Parrot

My obese parrot just died.

Sad, but it’s a weight off my shoulders.

Last Request

A murderer is about to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand.

Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

I’m Spartacus!

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?

Nothing, he’s Gladiator.

Died In Prison

A guy with a stutter died in prison …

Before he could finish his sentence.

Downhill Fast

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

Thanks For That

I once thanked a French guy to death.

It was a merci killing.

Burial Plot

I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself …

That’s the last thing I need.