What Do Bees Eat

My daughter asked me, “Dad, what do bees eat?”

I said, “Honey, how should I know?”

Secret Owl

I informed my family that someone in the house was secretly an owl in disguise and our oldest daughter asked, “Who?”

Honestly, never suspected her.

Hospital Call

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

The old lady in her weak voice said, “Doreen Jacobs, Room 604.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me anything.”

Daughter’s Friend

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later.

I was impressed and asked, “Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?”

My daughter answered, “It’s because of my friend’s stutter.”

Different Directions

Kim and Kanye’s divorce is rough on their daughter, North West.

It’s like she’s getting pulled in two different directions.

Library Book

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure.

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Daughter Arrested

The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But it was arson.

Time For Bed

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

She said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

I said, “That means it’s pasture bedtime.”

Career Choice

My teenage daughter can’t decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer.

I guess she’ll have to flip a coin.

Heads or tales.

Movie Plot Idea

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.

I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Twin Daughters

If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate.

And I’ll name the other DupliKate.

Whistle

I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

Bargain

I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant.

She said, “Thanks Dad. That means a great deal.”

Line Of Dolls

My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.

Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue.

Silly Name

My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.

But I called her Bluff.

Hard To Explain

My daughter asked me what “inexplicable” means.

I said, “It’s hard to explain.”

Drummer’s Daughters

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.

Thanks, Dad!

A father in Iraq gave his daughter a new bag.

She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”

Death Bed Jew

A Jew was lying on his death bed. He asks his wife if she is there. She says that she is.

He asks his son if he is there. He replies that he is.

He asks if his daughter is there. She replies that she is.

As he finds out everyone is there, he has a heart attack and dies. His last words were, “Why… is no-one… in the shop?”

Botox For Beauty Pageants

The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.