Crying Baby
When I came home from work, my wife said “Ugh, the baby has been crying for hours. Can you take over?”
I said, “Sure” and started crying for hours.
Crying Jokes
It would be a crying shame if you missed out on these hilarious crying jokes because we think they’ll have you crying with laughter!
Young Man Confession
A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:
“Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
“What have you done?” asked the priest.
“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her.”
The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven,” said the priest.
“But it doesn’t end there,” the man kept sobbing. “A few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn’t send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady.”
“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still – you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven,” said the priest.
“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead,” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well.”
“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought,” said the priest.
“So what should I do father?” the man asked.
“Well,” answered the priest, “You should get the hell out of here before it starts raining!”
Sometimes Makes You Cry
What starts with an “O” and ends with “nions” and sometimes make you cry?
Opinions.
Am I Adopted?
Fred came home from University in tears.
“Mum, am I adopted?”
“No of course not,” replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”
Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”
“Well, obviously!” he replied.
“What do you mean?”
“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him.”
“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”
Crying Girl
I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
Onion Wallet
My wallet is like an onion.
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Money Find
I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money.
I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50.
I don’t usually do that kind of thing but luckily I’d just found $5,000 in the carpark.
What To Say?
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Lawnmower Man
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.
Screaming Baby
I asked to switch seats on my flight because I was next to a screaming baby.
Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby’s yours.
Parenting
Do you remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry”?
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Sad Little Ink Drop
Why was the little ink drop crying?
Because his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long the sentence would be.
Thrown Under A Bus
I told my friend I saw a man get thrown under a bus today.
He said, “Oh my God – was it moving?”
I said, “Well a few people were crying, but I was fine.”
Crying Blonde
A blonde woman turns up at work in floods of tears. Her boss asks her what’s wrong.
She replies, “My mom died.”
The boss tells her to go home but she insists she’ll be fine.
Later that day, the boss finds her in floods of tears again so he asks if she’s okay.
She replies, “Not really. I just talked to my sister and her mom died too.”
Cardiologist’s Funeral
This world-renowned cardiologist sadly died. He was so famous he was given an extremely elaborate funeral that was attended by his fellow physicians, family members, friends and members of the public who he’d treated over the years.
During the service, there was a huge heart made out of flowers that stood behind the casket. At the end of the service, the heart opened and the casket slowly rolled inside. When the casket had disappeared, the heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.
Everyone was very emotional and crying at this beautiful moment, except for one mourner who burst into laughter. Everyone turned to stare angrily at him.
He said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking about my own funeral – I’m a gynaecologist.”
A Romantic Wife
A wife, being of romantic disposition, sent a text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
The husband, a typically non-romantic man, replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise…”
Onions Joke
My friend said to me that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a coconut in his face.
