Angry Mice
What do angry mice eat at Christmas?
Cross mouse puddings.
Christmas Dad Jokes
These fully-groan Christmas dad jokes full of gift-wrapped laughs are the perfect present for the holiday season!
Clapping Elves
What do you call it when all the elves clap for their boss?
Santapplause.
Tallest Christmas Tree
I saw the winner of the tallest Christmas tree competition.
I thought, “How do I top that?”
Holiday Weight
Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning.
For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.
Christmas Tree And iPad
What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A pineapple.
Young Reindeer
What do young reindeer want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station.
Tubular Bells
I thought I heard Tubular Bells on my farm last Christmas.
But it was just my cold field.
Matador Equipment
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for Christmas …
It’s a big red flag.
Mariah Carey’s Christmas Present
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present.
Inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.
Disappointed, she set the deed down and said…
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Soda Giver
What do you call someone who gives out soda at Christmas?
Fanta Clause.
Angry Girlfriend
My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for Christmas.
I don’t know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
Santa’s Nationality
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
Biggest Fear
My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa.
I have Claustrophobia.
Santa’s Elves
What do Santa’s elves listen to whilst they work?
Wrap music.
Christmas Breakfast
A newly-married couple wakes up on their first Christmas morning together.
The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, “Merry Christmas, hun! Don’t get up, I have a surprise for you. As your first Christmas present, I’m going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed… Eggs Benedict!”
“Wow, great!” says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.
A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict; fresh and steaming hot on a plate.
The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he’s never seen before.
Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.
“This is wonderful, darling!” the husband says. “But what’s with the fancy plate, did you get it especially for today?”
“Of course I did,” beams the wife. “It’s Christmas! There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
Simple Instructions
To who ever put the “L” in Noel…
Is it that hard to follow simple instructions?
Strange Christmas Wreath
What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins.
Usually Atheist
I’m an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December…
I’m eggnogstic.
Early Christmas Songs
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
Christmas Time Off
I said to my boss, “Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
He said, “It’s May.”
I said, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
Christmas Songs
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs.
I said, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
Stupid Christmas Gift
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
Special Talent
I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents.
It’s a gift.
Artificial Leg
I just bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.
It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.
Mary Had A Little Lamb
When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren’t surprised…
But you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.
It’s The Little Things!
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Only Two Reindeer
Did you know Santa actually only had two reindeer?
Rudolph and Olive, the other reindeer.
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph likely won’t be flying this year because his grades in History class dropped from a B to a D…
That’s right folks, Rudolph went down in History.
Christmas Lights & Co-Workers
My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…
Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.
Santa’s Sleigh
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?
$0, it’s on the house.
Christmas Wreath
I told my Australian girlfriend that the Christmas wreath she bought was great, but to please make sure it doesn’t block the doorway.
Because then it would be a Great Barrier Wreath.
Google Glasses
I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.
He said, “Google Glasses!”
I said, “OK, but I already know what glasses are!”
Christmas Sweater
The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity.
So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Christmas Spending Limit
My wife has set a limit on how much we spend on each other this Christmas.
It’s $50 on me, and $1000 on her.
The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
At this time of year, there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
Maybe that’s why I’m no longer a fireman.
