Biggest Fan

I took my friend to see the world’s biggest fan for his birthday.

He was blown away.

Birthday Card

I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.

I knew right away who sent it; it was my uncle Ben.

Dog Treats

We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for their birthday.

You should have seen their little faeces light up.

Fourth Birthday Party

Today was my son’s fourth birthday party.

I didn’t recognize him at first.

I’d never seen him be four.

New Girlfriend

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was.

She said March 1st.

So I walked around the room and asked again.

Dog Ball

I threw a ball for my dog.

It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a tuxedo.

Subtle Hints

It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house.

So I got her a magazine rack.

Apple Watch

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

New Alarm Clock

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

Priest Smuggler

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”

Birthday Cake

I said to the doctor, “Every time I eat birthday cake I get heartburn”.

She told me to take the candles off first in future.

Happy Wife

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said, “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.”

So I got her nothing.

Birthday Gift

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

Dream Man

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…

It’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Fish Cakes

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.

“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.

“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.

“Great,” said the man, “It’s his birthday.”

50th Birthday Card

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

Hard To Cope

The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

Favorite Twin

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

32nd Birthday

My wife is turning 32 soon.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Wife’s Birthday Present

It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.

She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.

Candle Shop Burned Down

My local candle shop burned down yesterday.

Everyone just stood outside singing, “Happy Birthday”.

Girlfriend’s Birthday Is Ruined

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

Not Quite What I Wanted

I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Driven Mad

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

Mother’s Favorite Son

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party.

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.