Not Old

I’m not saying I’m old.

I’m just saying that my dinner time and my bed time are getting dangerously close to each other.

Sofa Nap

I’m having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep.

I call that a snors d’oeuvre.


When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn’t wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.

Turns out that is 9 pm.

Tech Guy

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.

He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Hotel Room

A man goes to a hotel and asks the manager, “How much for a room?”

The manager says, “It’s a $100 regular and $15 if you make your own bed.”

Excitedly the man says, “OK, I’ll make my own bed then.”

“OK, I’ll go get you some nails and wood.”

Cows Bedtime

What do cows tell each other at bedtime?

Dairy tales.

Largest Bed Sheet

Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bed sheet.

More on this story, as it unfolds.

Up Late

My wife and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other.

So far, we’ve been up for three days.


As I was getting into bed, she said, “You’re drunk.”

I said, “How do you know?”

She said, “You live next door.”

Sylvester Stallone Pillow

Last month, my wife bought a Sylvester Stallone pillow and put it in the middle of the bed.

Since then, things have been Rocky between us.

Stir Fry Bed

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must have been sleep wokking again.

Big Fight

My wife and I had a big fight. Afterwards she came crawling to me on her hands and knees …

Saying, “You come out from under that bed and fight like a man!”

Pregnant Bed Bug

Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?

She’ll be having a baby in the spring.

Less Video Gaming

I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play.

I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed.

Last night I went to bed 8 times.

Bed Sharing

My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.

I finally gave in.

After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

Bed Fart

Why doesn’t James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover.

Time For Bed

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

She said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

I said, “That means it’s pasture bedtime.”

Jeff Bezos

What’s the last thing Jeff Bezos does before bed?

He puts his Pajamazon.

Bad In Bed

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

James Bond

What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover.

Looking For Money

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I got out of bed to look with him.

Sleeping Pet

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try.

My goldfish died.

Water Bed

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

Kids’ Beds

My friend said to me, “I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds.”

I said, “Like a boycott?”

She said, “Don’t you start.”

Make The Bed

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.

Good In Bed

I’m good in bed.

Hardly ever fall out.

A Reason For Living

If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Weight Gain

Why do guys gain weight after they get married?

Because when they’re single, they come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.

When they’re married, they come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge.

Death Bed Jew

A Jew was lying on his death bed. He asks his wife if she is there. She says that she is.

He asks his son if he is there. He replies that he is.

He asks if his daughter is there. She replies that she is.

As he finds out everyone is there, he has a heart attack and dies. His last words were, “Why… is no-one… in the shop?”

Don’t Blame The Dog

This young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting non-stop.

The girl can’t stand the smell and says, “Stop that! It’s disgusting!”

The guy says, “Don’t blame me, it’s the dog.”

“Don’t blame him,” says the girl. “He was cooked perfectly.”

Bought A Water Bed

My wife and I bought a water bed recently.

Since then we’ve drifted apart.

Me And My Smelly Bum

My wife complains that she will not share the same bed as “me and my smelly bum.”

Well, I don’t like him sleeping on the street.

Sound Advice

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

Breakfast In Bed

Women can be so ungrateful sometimes.

I made her breakfast in bed and instead of saying “Thank you”, she was all like…

“How did you get in my house?”

Wife’s Bra

I walked into the bedroom today and tripped over the wife’s bra.

It was a booby trap.

On Her Death Bed

A young woman is lying on her death bed close to the end. Her husband comes into the room and gently takes hold of her hand to comfort her.

The woman musters up what’s left of her strength and whispers, “Darling, I must come clean with you”.

The man hushes her, telling her to save her strength.

She ignores him and continues anyway telling him that she hasn’t been completely faithful to him and that she’s had multiple affairs with his brother, father, sister and uncle.

The man replies, “I know darling, why do you think I poisoned you?”


My wife just found out that I’ve replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.