Wardrobe Trouble

I always get frustrated trying to put my trousers in the wardrobe.

I think I have hanger management issues.

Cat Ladies

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws.

Cat Burglar

My cat got stolen.

I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.

Strange Disease

I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg.

I said to him, “The strange thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear pop songs playing”.

He said, “You have a severe case of spotty thigh”.

A Night In

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

Baker

I used to know a baker who had red hair.

He was a ginger bread man.

Best Salesman

What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?

The Top Urner.

Don’t Mess With The Wine

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.

Omega 3

My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today.

It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

Miss Piggy

Why did Miss Piggy break up with her boyfriend?

Because he had Kermit-ment issues.

Well Dressed Man

What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

Better Lie Low

I’ve just stolen a load of swimming inflatables.

I’d better lilo.

Insanity

I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.

Cans Of Sprite

I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite.

I ended up picking 7 Up.

Wicker Chairs

Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship.

The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”

The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

Songwriter

I’ve just written a song about tortillas.

Actually, it’s more of a rap.

Guitar Attack

I was in the pub last night and this bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”

I said, “Is that a fret?”

Pasta Car

My sister bet me 100 dollars that I couldn’t build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

Book Shelf

A book just fell on my head.

I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

War Veteran

My granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He’s now classed as a seasoned veteran.