Alien Song
I heard a great operatic song about aliens.
Aria 51.
There are bad puns and then there are really bad puns and trust us, these are as bad as they get!
I heard a great operatic song about aliens.
Aria 51.
What do you call the scraps of food that fall from the table?
Floor d’ouevres.
What do you get when a truck full of books crashes into the ocean?
A title wave.
People often ask me why I prefer to teach math instead of English.
I tell them it’s because fractions speak louder than verbs.
I can use either hand to put sugar in my tea.
I’m ambidextrose.
I made a statue of Dirty Harry in my pottery class.
Go ahead, bake my clay.
I thought I had found a dinosaur skeleton.
But it turned out to be a fossil arm.
Loved the new film about the aquatic porcupine.
Can’t wait for the sea quill.
My anatomy class had to assemble a human skeleton, and I hid one of the arm bones as a joke.
No one found that humerus.
I just spilled all of the pancake mix on my wife.
You could say she’s my batter half.
Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting in your eyes but whenever I have something in my eye, it’s always an eyelash.
Eyeronic.
What goes trot trot dash dash trot?
Horse code.
Why can’t stir fry be cooked on the ocean?
Because you can’t wok on water.
I got fired because I couldn’t make a thousand tubes of glue an hour.
I guess I couldn’t handle a fast paste working environment.
It annoys me when people misuse the words concrete, asphalt and gravel.
It’s all about cementics.
What do you call the smartest mountain?
Mount Cleverest.
You think jokes about underwater explosives are bad?
Just wait until you sea mine.
I just saw a film where someone sprayed meat juices all over a non-fiction book.
It’s baste on a true story.
I always get frustrated trying to put my trousers in the wardrobe.
I think I have hanger management issues.
What do you call weightlifting vegetables?
Muscle sprouts.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
My cat got stolen.
I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.
I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg.
I said to him, “The strange thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear pop songs playing”.
He said, “You have a severe case of spotty thigh”.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
I used to know a baker who had red hair.
He was a ginger bread man.
What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?
The Top Urner.
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size, the more trustworthy the data.
I guess the N’s justify the means.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man.
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today.
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
Why did Miss Piggy break up with her boyfriend?
Because he had Kermit-ment issues.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
I’ve just stolen a load of swimming inflatables.
I’d better lilo.
I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.
I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite.
I ended up picking 7 Up.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship.
The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
I’ve just written a song about tortillas.
Actually, it’s more of a rap.
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
I was in the pub last night and this bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”
I said, “Is that a fret?”
My sister bet me 100 dollars that I couldn’t build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.