Sick Fireplace
My fireplace is sick.
I think it’s come down with the flue.
Bad Puns
There are bad puns and then there are really bad puns and trust us, these are as bad as they get!
Canada And Minnesota
What do you get when you mix Canada with Minnesota?
A can o’ soda.
Animal Sunglasses
What sort of animal wears sunglasses?
A solar bear.
New Plane
I bought a new plane the other day.
I was disappointed they wouldn’t let me keep the hangar.
One Tree
I saw a field with only one tree in it.
I thought, “That doesn’t look poplar”.
Singing Whales
What do you call a group of whales singing?
An orcastra.
Ancient History Lecturers
Why are ancient history lecturers so boring?
They always tend to Babylon.
Shoe Factory
Did you hear about the shoe factory that burned down?
So many lost soles.
Best Drink
Coffee was just voted the best drink in the nation.
But it was unfair, there were absent tea ballots.
Christmas Pottery
I wrapped some Christmas decorations around my pottery class creation.
I was told it wasn’t great but it had pot tinsel.
Car Designer
I have an archer friend who’s been helping design cars.
He’s good at arrow dynamics.
Black And White Stripes
A friend of mine keeps trying to paint black and white stripes on my back.
I wish he’d stop badgering me.
Pet Bird
My pet bird trimmed his feathers and now he thinks he’s James Bond.
He’s a shorn canary.
Alien Song
I heard a great operatic song about aliens.
Aria 51.
Food Scraps
What do you call the scraps of food that fall from the table?
Floor d’ouevres.
Truck Crash
What do you get when a truck full of books crashes into the ocean?
A title wave.
Prefer Math
People often ask me why I prefer to teach math instead of English.
I tell them it’s because fractions speak louder than verbs.
Either Hand
I can use either hand to put sugar in my tea.
I’m ambidextrose.
Dirty Harry Statue
I made a statue of Dirty Harry in my pottery class.
Go ahead, bake my clay.
Dinosaur Skeleton
I thought I had found a dinosaur skeleton.
But it turned out to be a fossil arm.
Aquatic Porcupine
Loved the new film about the aquatic porcupine.
Can’t wait for the sea quill.
Hidden Bone
My anatomy class had to assemble a human skeleton, and I hid one of the arm bones as a joke.
No one found that humerus.
Pancake Mix
I just spilled all of the pancake mix on my wife.
You could say she’s my batter half.
Eyelashes
Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting in your eyes but whenever I have something in my eye, it’s always an eyelash.
Eyeronic.
Trot Dash
What goes trot trot dash dash trot?
Horse code.
Stir Fry
Why can’t stir fry be cooked on the ocean?
Because you can’t wok on water.
Tubes Of Glue
I got fired because I couldn’t make a thousand tubes of glue an hour.
I guess I couldn’t handle a fast paste working environment.
Word Misuse
It annoys me when people misuse the words concrete, asphalt and gravel.
It’s all about cementics.
Smartest Mountain
What do you call the smartest mountain?
Mount Cleverest.
Underwater Explosives
You think jokes about underwater explosives are bad?
Just wait until you sea mine.
True Story
I just saw a film where someone sprayed meat juices all over a non-fiction book.
It’s baste on a true story.
Wardrobe Trouble
I always get frustrated trying to put my trousers in the wardrobe.
I think I have hanger management issues.
Weightlifting Vegetables
What do you call weightlifting vegetables?
Muscle sprouts.
Cat Ladies
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Cat Burglar
My cat got stolen.
I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.
Strange Disease
I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg.
I said to him, “The strange thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear pop songs playing”.
He said, “You have a severe case of spotty thigh”.
A Night In
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
Baker
I used to know a baker who had red hair.
He was a ginger bread man.
Best Salesman
What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?
The Top Urner.
Don’t Mess With The Wine
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
