Ice Cream Truck Accident
An ice cream truck has had an accident near me.
The area has been coned off.
Accident Jokes
These accident jokes are certainly painfully funny! So enjoy this crash course in humor!
Broken Crystal Ball
I went to a psychic and accidentally broke her crystal ball.
It cost me a fortune.
Broken Fingers
I got into an accident and I was surprised when the doctor handed me a report saying that my fingers were all broken.
The news was hard for me to grasp.
Bulb Replacement
Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.
Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.
Donor Card
I just accidentally put my donor card into the ATM machine.
It cost me an arm and a leg.
Freak Accident
My friend Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
Garibaldi.
Memory Loss
Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.
Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?
Space Station Cheese
What do you call cheese that accidentally escapes the International Space Station?
Space de Brie.
Wet Cement
I accidentally stepped in wet cement in the front walkway of this building because I was in a rush to get to my first job interview.
I’m pretty sure I left a bad impression.
Overcooked Ribeye
My wife was angry when I accidentally overcooked the ribeye tonight.
I told her everybody makes misteaks.
Party Accident
Andrew Garfield, Tobey McGuire and Tom Holland got into an accident upon arriving at a party.
As it turns out, they’re terrible parallel parkers.
Accidental Detective
What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?
Sheer Luck Holmes.
Lawyer In Heaven
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven.
When he gets there, he’s greeted by St. Peter himself.
The lawyer says, “What happened? I wasn’t in an accident and I’m too young to die. I’m only 52!”
St. Peter says, “Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that’s a pretty good life.”
The lawyer yells, “84! How did you figure that?”
St. Peter responds, “We added up your client billing time sheets.”
Cat Medication
I accidentally took my cat’s meds this morning.
Don’t ask meow.
Invisible Ink
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Say What?
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
Tickled To Death
What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?
Manslaughter.
Accidental Meeting
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
But they didn’t planet.
Peek-a-boo Accident
My daughter had a horrible peek-a-boo accident.
Now she’s in the I.C.U.
Brain Fell Out
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
Broken Fingers
I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.
It was hard to grasp.
That’s His Story
My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
Religious Movement
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
Mad Wife
My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.
She just can’t seem to let it go.
That’s Okay!
I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together, and at first I started to panic…
But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.
Internet Flowers
I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet.
Whoops, E-Daisies.
Buy Some Meat
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”
Naked Picture
Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
Poop Your Pants
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me.
Scrabble Tiles
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
Blonde Police Officers
Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree.
After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”
Judge Costume Party
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
Second Funeral
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall whilst carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.
So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there’s another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”
Washing Machine Accident
My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.
Her clothes don’t fit anymore.
Not A Lawyer
A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”
