Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.

It’s also their biggest import.

Why was the king only 12 inches tall?

Because he was a ruler.

What do you call a fast escalator?

An escasooner.

What has five toes but isn’t your foot?

My foot.

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?

Gnomads.

I play chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said, “Let’s make this interesting.”

So we stopped and went home.

What is a highlighter’s favorite Twister position?

Knee on yellow.

What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car.

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature?

Tequila Mockingbird.

Where are dead computer hackers buried?

In decrypt.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note…

I suck at darts.

I bought a new pair of gloves today but they’re both “lefts”.

Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

What did the designers of Darth Vader’s costume model it on?

Mannequin Skywalker.

What does a condiment wizard perform?

Saucery.

Which country is filled with very poor singers?

Singapore.

The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.

It was a hard drive.

Two books meet in a library. The first book says “You don’t look too well”.

The other book replies “Just had my appendix removed.”

I said to the doctor, “Every time I eat birthday cake I get heartburn”.

She told me to take the candles off first in future.

My book on clocks finally arrived.

It’s about time!