Coconut Shampoo

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized…

I don’t even have a coconut.

Hurts To Say

It hurts me to say this…

But, I have a sore throat.

Big Sofa

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

Tickled To Death

What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?

Manslaughter.

Injured Goblin

What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?

A hobblin’.

Biggest Export

Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.

It’s also their biggest import.

Small King

Why was the king only 12 inches tall?

Because he was a ruler.

Not Your Foot

What has five toes but isn’t your foot?

My foot.

Empty Glass

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Interesting Chess

I play chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said, “Let’s make this interesting.”

So we stopped and went home.

Twister Position

What is a highlighter’s favorite Twister position?

Knee on yellow.

Alcohol & Literature

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature?

Tequila Mockingbird.

Dead Hackers

Where are dead computer hackers buried?

In decrypt.

Pierced Nipple

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note…

I suck at darts.

New Gloves

I bought a new pair of gloves today but they’re both “lefts”.

Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Darth Vader Costume

What did the designers of Darth Vader’s costume model it on?

Mannequin Skywalker.

Bad Singers

Which country is filled with very poor singers?

Singapore.

Damaged Laptop

The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.

It was a hard drive.

Unwell Book

Two books meet in a library. The first book says “You don’t look too well”.

The other book replies “Just had my appendix removed.”

Birthday Cake

I said to the doctor, “Every time I eat birthday cake I get heartburn”.

She told me to take the candles off first in future.

Sword Weight

My sword doesn’t weigh much.

It’s my light saber.

Darth Vader Steaks

How does Darth Vader like his steaks?

Well, done done done, done da done, done da done.

Look At Egg

What happens to an egg every time you look at it?

It becomes egg sighted.

Smoking Cows

Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?

Because that’s when the steaks are highest.

Oven Door

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

Home Delivery

Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.

They’re changing their name to Knockers.

Late Broom

Why was the broom late for the meeting?

It overswept.

Calculators

When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing.

But it’s what’s inside that counts.

Movie Rating

What kind of movies are rated 3.14 stars?

Pirated movies.