I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized…

I don’t even have a coconut.

It hurts me to say this…

But, I have a sore throat.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?

Manslaughter.

What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?

A hobblin’.

Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.

It’s also their biggest import.

Why was the king only 12 inches tall?

Because he was a ruler.

What do you call a fast escalator?

An escasooner.

What has five toes but isn’t your foot?

My foot.

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?

Gnomads.

I play chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said, “Let’s make this interesting.”

So we stopped and went home.

What is a highlighter’s favorite Twister position?

Knee on yellow.

What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car.

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature?

Tequila Mockingbird.

Where are dead computer hackers buried?

In decrypt.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note…

I suck at darts.

I bought a new pair of gloves today but they’re both “lefts”.

Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

What did the designers of Darth Vader’s costume model it on?

Mannequin Skywalker.

What does a condiment wizard perform?

Saucery.

Which country is filled with very poor singers?

Singapore.

The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.

It was a hard drive.

Two books meet in a library. The first book says “You don’t look too well”.

The other book replies “Just had my appendix removed.”

I said to the doctor, “Every time I eat birthday cake I get heartburn”.

She told me to take the candles off first in future.

My book on clocks finally arrived.

It’s about time!

My sword doesn’t weigh much.

It’s my light saber.

What did 50Cent do when he got hungry?

58.

How does Darth Vader like his steaks?

Well, done done done, done da done, done da done.

What happens to an egg every time you look at it?

It becomes egg sighted.

What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?

A constellation prize.

Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?

Because that’s when the steaks are highest.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.

They’re changing their name to Knockers.

Why was the broom late for the meeting?

It overswept.

When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing.

But it’s what’s inside that counts.

What kind of movies are rated 3.14 stars?

Pirated movies.

Here’s a bit of advice for you all…

Advi.

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”.

Too many Maine characters.

What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?

A waist of money.

I bought a knife that can cut through four loaves of bread at once.

It’s a four loaf cleaver.