I get on really well with my drug dealer – he cracks me up…
I walked into the bedroom today and tripped over the wife’s bra.
It was a booby trap…
If I’m not mistaken, Tippex is pretty useless…
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.
It just goes from bad to worse!
“Are you serious – I can’t believe you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked a girl I was chatting to in a nightclub.
“What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”
“Well that’s hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!” I said angrily.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.
I said, “Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”
It’s always difficult texting someone to tell them a loved one has passed away…
Especially when your name is Lol.
My sister bet me 100 dollars that I couldn’t build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta…
I love Switzerland.
I’m not sure what the best thing about it is, but their flag is a big plus…
I was at the cash machine the other day when a little old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance for her.
So I pushed her over.
I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”.
Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
My friend drowned in a half-empty bath tub yesterday…
And he was normally so optimistic.
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order…
Someone has stolen my Microsoft Office and they are going to pay for it.
You have my Word.
First thing this morning there was a tap on my door.
My plumber has a funny sense of humor.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little monkey. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
My wife just rang me.
She said, “The two kids want you to take them bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema.”
“It’s either one or the other,” I said, “otherwise it’s too expensive.”
“Okay,” she replied. “Which one do you prefer?”
I said, “David.”
I was walking through town the other day when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf.
I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barman gives her one.
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”