Funny Short Jokes Archives

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely.

I’m so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn’t mind.

But it was All Night Long.

What do you call a calculator that works instantly?

A calcunow.

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.

But it’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

The movie Speed didn’t have a director.

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

What do you call the security in a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.

Thereisnospacebar.

Ego and superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id.”

I can’t tell you all Japanese history in one joke.

But I can Samurais.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.

He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.”

“What did they look like?” I asked.

He said, “Fifty dollar bills.”

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot.

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

A guy says to his wife, “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”

His wife replies, “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

The guy says, “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore.

I just bought a T.V. and it said, “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is!

Give a man a shirt, and he’ll wear it once.

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he’ll wear it for a lifetime.

Why do people on the ISS use Linux?

You can’t open windows in space.

Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

How do you steal a coat?

You jacket.

I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.

It goes without saying…

The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”

The year 2020 can’t end.

Because we’d be admitting 2021.

Pre- means before.

Post- means after.

To use both prefixes together…

Would be preposterous.

I ran over 5 miles today.

Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.

I changed all my passwords to Kenny.

Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?

A quarterback.

My friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water.

I was like, “Well, damn.”

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.

Me: But you said 3.

Genie: Sue me.

What do you call a caveman’s fart?

A blast from the past.

Why is nostalgia like grammar?

We find the present tense and the past perfect.

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing – it’s on the house.

I went to a costume party dressed as a harp.

The host asked me, “What are you dressed as?”

I told him, “I’m a harp.”

He said, “But your costume is too small to be a harp.”

I was incredibly offended, and asked him, “Are you calling me a lyre?!”

My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.

He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles.

Breaking news: a man has just been arrested for completing an origami course backwards.

We will update you as the situation unfolds.

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.

It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep.

I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing.

But I can’t put my finger on it.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

There’s something that I don’t like about “DO NOT TOUCH” signs.

I just can’t put my finger on it.