Evil Twin

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.

Blood Listening

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely.

Lionel Richie Songs

I’m so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn’t mind.

But it was All Night Long.

Fast Calculator

What do you call a calculator that works instantly?

A calcunow.

Learning Piano

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.

But it’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Movie Director

The movie Speed didn’t have a director.

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

Samsung Security

What do you call the security in a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

On The Moon

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.

Thereisnospacebar.

Ego And Superego

Ego and superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id.”

Japanese History

I can’t tell you all Japanese history in one joke.

But I can Samurais.

Zombie Bodybuilder

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

Fake Bills

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.

He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.”

“What did they look like?” I asked.

He said, “Fifty dollar bills.”

Miley Cyrus

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot.

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

New Scale

A guy says to his wife, “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”

His wife replies, “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

The guy says, “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”

Computer Hackers

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

Made In The USA

It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore.

I just bought a T.V. and it said, “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is!

Shirt Gift

Give a man a shirt, and he’ll wear it once.

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he’ll wear it for a lifetime.

Space Station

Why do people on the ISS use Linux?

You can’t open windows in space.

Liquor Store Dude

Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Silent Driver

I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.

It goes without saying…

Disease Bar

The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”

The Year 2020

The year 2020 can’t end.

Because we’d be admitting 2021.

Pre And Post

Pre- means before.

Post- means after.

To use both prefixes together…

Would be preposterous.

Five Mile Run

I ran over 5 miles today.

Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.

Password Change

I changed all my passwords to Kenny.

Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

Missing Spine

What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?

A quarterback.

Two Structures

My friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water.

I was like, “Well, damn.”

No Lawyers

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.

Me: But you said 3.

Genie: Sue me.

Caveman Farts

What do you call a caveman’s fart?

A blast from the past.

Worst Pub

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

Chimney Cost

How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing – it’s on the house.

Costume Party

I went to a costume party dressed as a harp.

The host asked me, “What are you dressed as?”

I told him, “I’m a harp.”

He said, “But your costume is too small to be a harp.”

I was incredibly offended, and asked him, “Are you calling me a lyre?!”

Alcohol Is Not The Answer

My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.

He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles.

Backwards Origami

Breaking news: a man has just been arrested for completing an origami course backwards.

We will update you as the situation unfolds.

Short Poem

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.

It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep.

Strange Cactus

I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing.

But I can’t put my finger on it.

Chess Champion

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

Do Not Touch

There’s something that I don’t like about “DO NOT TOUCH” signs.

I just can’t put my finger on it.