A guy says to his wife, “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”
His wife replies, “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”
The guy says, “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?
I think they just ransomware.
It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore.
I just bought a T.V. and it said, “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is!
Give a man a shirt, and he’ll wear it once.
Tell a man he looks good in it, and he’ll wear it for a lifetime.
Why do people on the ISS use Linux?
You can’t open windows in space.
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
How do you steal a coat?
You jacket.
I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.
It goes without saying…
The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”
The year 2020 can’t end.
Because we’d be admitting 2021.
Pre- means before.
Post- means after.
To use both prefixes together…
Would be preposterous.
I ran over 5 miles today.
Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.
I changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
My friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water.
I was like, “Well, damn.”
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.
Me: But you said 3.
Genie: Sue me.
What do you call a caveman’s fart?
A blast from the past.
Why is nostalgia like grammar?
We find the present tense and the past perfect.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing – it’s on the house.
