My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.
He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles.
My wallet is like an onion.
When I open it, it makes me cry.
I used to be addicted to time travel.
But that’s all in the past now.
I just bought a new blindfold.
I can’t see myself wearing it.
My wife said that quilts are better than duvets.
I told her to be careful making blanket statements like that.
What color is the wind?
Me: licking lips in anticipation I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don’t lick my lips again.