Heavy Sleeper

James Bond slept through an earthquake.

He was shaken, not stirred.

Bikini Documentary

Did you hear about the new bikini documentary?

It’s a two part series that’s quite revealing.

Favorite Teacher

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name, but she tortoise well.

Bathroom Mirror

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”

I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

Fire Hydrant

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9P.

Two Left Feet

A man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe store and asks…

“Do you sell flip flips?”

Tire Rolling

When I was a child we used to roll down hills in old tires.

Those were the good years.

Stairlift

I’ve offered my elderly neighbor $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she’s going to take me up on it.

Bed Fart

Why doesn’t James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover.

Daughter Arrested

The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But it was arson.

Winter Fat

Finally my winter fat has gone…

Now, I have spring rolls.

Expensive Teslas

I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.

It’s because they charge a lot.

Enhanced Senses

If you lose one of your senses, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.

Flight Possibility

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly …

And as you can see, they were Wright.

Pretty Positive

I got called pretty today.

Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

Sail Purchase

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.

Today it dawned on me that it’s not the right size so I called to cancel.

They said it’s too late.

That sail has shipped.

Wistful Tree

Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?

Pine.

Greatest Sci-Fi Show

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

Upside Down Canoe

Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

Paper Plane

What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?

Stationary.

New Year

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.

Bad Cashier

I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.

Jailed Drunk

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

Shakespeare’s Pencil

I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.

Now, I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

House-warming Party

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

Vegetable Thief

Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek.

Airline Check-in

I think the girl at the airline check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

I laughed and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

Metal Adjectives

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron…

Which is ironic.

McDonald’s Meal

I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today.

His mom got really angry.

Not Heavy

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it’s light.

Flying Lessons

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

Loud Laughing

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha.

Book Club

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

Phone Sneezer

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.