Funny Short Jokes

James Bond slept through an earthquake.

He was shaken, not stirred.

Did you hear about the new bikini documentary?

It’s a two part series that’s quite revealing.

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name, but she tortoise well.

Anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I have got loads of back issues.

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”

I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9P.

A man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe store and asks…

“Do you sell flip flips?”

When I was a child we used to roll down hills in old tires.

Those were the good years.

I once met an astronaut who was claustrophobic.

Turns out he just needed a little space.

I’ve offered my elderly neighbor $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she’s going to take me up on it.

Why doesn’t James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover.

Finally my winter fat has gone…

Now, I have spring rolls.

I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.

It’s because they charge a lot.

If you lose one of your senses, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly …

And as you can see, they were Wright.

I got called pretty today.

Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 6, 7, 8.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.

Today it dawned on me that it’s not the right size so I called to cancel.

They said it’s too late.

That sail has shipped.

Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?

Pine.

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

I’m not wearing glasses anymore.

I’ve seen enough.

Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?

Stationary.

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.

I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.

Now, I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

What do you call a typo on a headstone?

A grave mistake.

Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek.

I think the girl at the airline check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

I laughed and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron…

Which is ironic.

I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today.

His mom got really angry.

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it’s light.

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha.

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.