Flight Possibility

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly …

And as you can see, they were Wright.

Pretty Positive

I got called pretty today.

Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

Sail Purchase

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.

Today it dawned on me that it’s not the right size so I called to cancel.

They said it’s too late.

That sail has shipped.

Wistful Tree

Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?

Pine.

Greatest Sci-Fi Show

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

Upside Down Canoe

Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

Paper Plane

What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?

Stationary.

New Year

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.

Bad Cashier

I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.

Jailed Drunk

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

Shakespeare’s Pencil

I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.

Now, I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

House-warming Party

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

Airline Check-in

I think the girl at the airline check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

I laughed and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

Metal Adjectives

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron…

Which is ironic.

Not Heavy

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it’s light.

Flying Lessons

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

Book Club

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

Phone Sneezer

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Evil Twin

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.

Blood Listening

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely.

Lionel Richie Songs

I’m so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn’t mind.

But it was All Night Long.

Learning Piano

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.

But it’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Movie Director

The movie Speed didn’t have a director.

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

On The Moon

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.

Thereisnospacebar.

Ego And Superego

Ego and superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id.”

Japanese History

I can’t tell you all Japanese history in one joke.

But I can Samurais.

Fake Bills

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.

He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.”

“What did they look like?” I asked.

He said, “Fifty dollar bills.”

Miley Cyrus

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot.

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

New Scale

A guy says to his wife, “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”

His wife replies, “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

The guy says, “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”

Computer Hackers

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.