Funny Short Jokes

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly …

And as you can see, they were Wright.

I got called pretty today.

Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 6, 7, 8.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.

Today it dawned on me that it’s not the right size so I called to cancel.

They said it’s too late.

That sail has shipped.

Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?

Pine.

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

I’m not wearing glasses anymore.

I’ve seen enough.

Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?

Stationary.

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.

I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.

Now, I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

What do you call a typo on a headstone?

A grave mistake.

Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek.

I think the girl at the airline check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

I laughed and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron…

Which is ironic.

I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today.

His mom got really angry.

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it’s light.

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha.

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely.

I’m so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn’t mind.

But it was All Night Long.

What do you call a calculator that works instantly?

A calcunow.

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.

But it’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

The movie Speed didn’t have a director.

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

What do you call the security in a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.

Thereisnospacebar.

Ego and superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id.”

I can’t tell you all Japanese history in one joke.

But I can Samurais.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.

He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.”

“What did they look like?” I asked.

He said, “Fifty dollar bills.”

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot.

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

A guy says to his wife, “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”

His wife replies, “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

The guy says, “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.