Relationship Jokes And Humor

Good Reason For A Raise

A maid wanted a raise in salary so she asked the lady of the house, who replied “Give me three good reasons why you should get a raise.”

The maid said, “Ok. One – I can cook better than you.” The lady asked, “Who told you that?” “Your husband” replied the maid.

“Two – I can iron better than you.” “Who told you that?” asked the lady indignantly. “Your husband” replied the maid.

“Ok” said the lady. “What’s the third reason?” The maid said, “Three – I’m better in bed than you.”

This time the lady was furious. “Did my husband tell you that?” she shouted.

“No, the gardener did.”

The lady doubled the maid’s wages instantly…

Pampering My Girlfriend

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she’s had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she’s leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that the moment she walks through the door…

the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

Look On The Bright Side

My best mate, Dave passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.

I said, “Look on the bright side, at least he’s not suffering anymore.”

She said, “He wasn’t ill, he died all of a sudden.”

I said, “I know, I meant being married to you.”

Where Has The Time Gone?

I was at a party the other day when I lost my watch.

A bit later I saw a guy standing on it while sexually harassing a girl.

I walked up to the guy and punched him in the face.

No one does that to a girl.. not on my watch.

Lovers Names

When I see lovers names engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic…

I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

Organic Vegetables

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market.

I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

Homeless Woman

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Six Pints Of Milk

The other day my wife asked me, “Could you go to the shop for me on the way home from work and buy one pint of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

When I got home with 6 pints of milk she asked me, “Why did you buy 6 pints of milk?”

I replied, “They had avocados.”

Autocorrected Text

A man received a text from his neighbor:

“I’m so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I’ve been tapping your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn autocorrect. I meant ‘wifi’ not ‘wife’!”

Expectant Father

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his pregnant wife was getting on.

By mistake he was connected to the Lord’s cricket ground.

“How’s it going?” he asked.

“Fine,” came the answer,

“We’ve got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.”

Breakfast In Bed

Women can be so ungrateful sometimes.

I made her breakfast in bed and instead of saying “Thank you”, she was all like…

“How did you get in my house?”

Happy Birthday

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

Surprise Me

I was tired and bored one night so I went to the bar to have a few drinks.

The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?”

I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

On Her Death Bed

A young woman is lying on her death bed close to the end. Her husband comes into the room and gently takes hold of her hand to comfort her.

The woman musters up what’s left of her strength and whispers, “Darling, I must come clean with you”.

The man hushes her, telling her to save her strength.

She ignores him and continues anyway telling him that she hasn’t been completely faithful to him and that she’s had multiple affairs with his brother, father, sister and uncle.

The man replies, “I know darling, why do you think I poisoned you?”

Just Kidding

A wife says to her husband, “How would you describe me?”

Her husband replies “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

The wife asks “What does that mean?”

The husband says “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

The wife is pleased, “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

The husband says “I’m just kidding!”