Relationship Jokes And Humor

Note On The Fridge

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

Splitting Up

I was in the park yesterday when I saw a tramp having a huge argument with his girlfriend on a bench. He suddenly stood up and poured his bottle of meths over the bench and set it on fire.

“What the hell are you doing?” I yelled at him.

He said, “She can leave me if she wants, but there’s no way she’s getting the house.”

A Hot Date

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date.

They said she was imaginary.

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.

I Didn’t Mean Do That

This girl had been out for the evening and met this guy who she brought back to her house, where they were kissing and cuddling downstairs.

Because her parents were asleep in bed upstairs, she told the guy they had to be quiet and when he told her that he was desperate to use the toilet, she didn’t want to send him upstairs and run the risk of him waking her parents up. So she told him he should just use the kitchen sink instead.

A few minutes later he popped his head around the door.

She whispered as quietly as she could to him, “Have you finished?”

“Yeah,” he whispered back, “Have you got any toilet paper?”

Drinking With Me

I was having sex with my friend’s wife the other evening when her phone rang. I freaked out and hurriedly started getting dressed because I could hear it was her husband.

She hung up and told me not to panic – he told her he was going to be late home because he was out drinking with me.

Out On The Balcony

A couple are feeling horny and fancy a quickie but their son is in the house.

However, they can’t resist their natural urges, so they tell him to go out on to the balcony and look around and tell them what’s going on in the neighborhood while they do their thing.

So the son goes out on to the balcony and begins reporting back what he sees.

“It looks like the Baileys have got a new dog.” he says

“Oh! And it seems that the Jones are moving out.” he says

Then suddenly he shouts out, “Would you look at that. Looks like the Andersons are having sex.”

The couple stop dead in their love-making, and the fathers asks the son, “How do you know the Andersons are making love?”

The son answers, “Because their kid is out on the balcony too.”

Alice In Wonderland Character

I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”

He said, “Are you mad at her?”

I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”

Electrifying Sex

An old man and his wife go for a walk through the countryside and they come across a fence where they used to do their courting when they were younger.

Excited by the memories of their younger days, they make love furiously, with arms and legs flailing around all over the place.

When they have finished, the exhausted woman says in a surprised tone of voice, “You know, you never used to have sex with me like that 50 years ago”.

The man replies “Well, that fence wasn’t electric 50 years ago!”