Relationship Jokes And Humor

History

I’ve just spotted my ex-girlfriend standing on the other side of the museum.

I’m not going to go and say hi though.

There’s too much history between us.

Mud Pack

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.

You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

That’s Not Going To Work!

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Just A Game!

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”

I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

Not Another Dinner Date

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.

Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!

Not Paying Attention

My wife said to me, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?”

I said, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”

My wife said, “Listen! You never listen!”

Labor Pains

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”.

She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Impress The Girls

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”.

Strange Housework

My wife said she was leaving me because “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework.”

Selfish woman, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

Chemotherapy

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, “Why are you so upset? It’s just hair. I’m the one who’s got to find a new girlfriend.”

Blind Date

I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation.

It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.

If you like her, you just ignore your phone.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning!

But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

Nice Day

I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said yes.

I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”