We knew these funny hipster jokes and puns before they were cool! But now we think it’s only fair we bring them to the mainstream!
People call me self centered.
But that’s enough about them.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.
Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
But they didn’t planet.
What’s the last thing Jeff Bezos does before bed?
He puts his Pajamazon.
I’m done being a people pleaser.
If everyone’s okay with that.
My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”
I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”
Why are women so bad at parking cars?
Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans.
You may need medical attention after reading these funny doctor jokes and puns. Indeed, you’ll probably end up in stitches, they’re that funny! And there’s no let up because in addition to the best doctor jokes, we’ve also included doctor doctor jokes, hospital jokes, surgery jokes and other medical humor too! Best Doctor Jokes & Puns This old guy goes to the doctor to get the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but you’ve got terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s.” The old man says, “That’s not so bad. I could have had cancer!” I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?” He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.” The doctor I’m seeing for my bad back is Egyptian. He’s a Cairo-practor. My wife asked me to play doctor with her. She’s now waiting for three hours outside the bedroom. Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in. Me: Thanks for reminding me. A pirate walked into the doctors with a broken arm. They told him to sling his hook. I said to my doctor, “I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!” She said, “That’s not how ADHD works.” I said, “But I keep losing my Focus!” My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I said, “Yes just once.” He asked, “What was it like?” I replied, “It was dark, then suddenly very bright.” I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg. I said to him, “The strange thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear pop songs playing”. He said, “You have a severe case of spotty thigh”. I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. The doctor says it’s terminal. The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?” He said, “You pick the name.” A doctor is at a party where he gets to talking to a lawyer friend. He tells the lawyer how sick he is of his friends always asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.” The doctor says he’ll give this a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he finds a bill in the mailbox from his lawyer. Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven’t heard from him since. Doctor: Did you know that you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions? Me: I can’t say that I’m surprised. I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that … Read more
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
My son asked me what procrastinate means.
I said, “I’ll tell you later.”
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
A pirate walked into the doctors with a broken arm.
They told him to sling his hook.
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I told him, “It’s between 1 and 8 pm.”
Here is a really arresting collection of funny cop jokes and puns from LaffGaff, complete free of charge! They’re so funny they should be illegal!
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
What do sad Mexicans wear?
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.
I don’t know why she got so mad at me.
It’s pretty hard to write on sand.
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
At least I think they’re vegan. They keep shouting, “Lettuce leaf!”
We’re not taking the Mick – these really are the best Irish jokes around. You’ll be Dublin over with laughter!
How does an Eskimo build his house?
Igloos it together.
My grandfather is 85 and he still doesn’t need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying, “Here comes the train”, and we always used to eat it straight away.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.
I used to know a baker who had red hair.
He was a ginger bread man.
My wife said to me, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way.”
If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative…
Announce that you won the lottery and you’ll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
These damn millennials…
Walking around like they rent the place.
If you want funny Juan jokes then this collection is the only Juan you’ll need! All the best examples are here.
If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?
The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
These funny vegetarian and vegan jokes and puns are meant in the best possible taste. We hope they appeal to your sense of hummus!
“Back in the day,” my grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.”
“But today,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”