Self Centered

People call me self centered.

But that’s enough about them.

Dolly Parton Diet

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….

Chinese Waiter

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

Accidental Meeting

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

Jeff Bezos

What’s the last thing Jeff Bezos does before bed?

He puts his Pajamazon.

People Pleaser

I’m done being a people pleaser.

If everyone’s okay with that.

People Change

My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”

I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

Bad Parkers

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

Hulk’s Jeans

How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?

The scientific experiments altered his jeans.

Second Man

Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

Procrastination

My son asked me what procrastinate means.

I said, “I’ll tell you later.”

Pig In Black

Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

Broken Arm

A pirate walked into the doctors with a broken arm.

They told him to sling his hook.

Cable Repairman

A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I told him, “It’s between 1 and 8 pm.”

Arnie Doll

Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?

Aisle B, back.

How Many Brexiteers?

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

So That’s How!

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

Millennials

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

Something Hard

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don’t know why she got so mad at me.

It’s pretty hard to write on sand.

Captured Vegans

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they’re vegan. They keep shouting, “Lettuce leaf!”

Eskimo House

How does an Eskimo build his house?

Igloos it together.

Doesn’t Need Glasses

My grandfather is 85 and he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

Eat Your Food!

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying, “Here comes the train”, and we always used to eat it straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.

Baker

I used to know a baker who had red hair.

He was a ginger bread man.

Spoiled Kids

My wife said to me, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?”

I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way.”

Relatives

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative…

Announce that you won the lottery and you’ll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

Millenials

These damn millennials…

Walking around like they rent the place.

Respect His Privacy

The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

Back In The Old Days

“Back in the day,” my grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”

Nudist Convention

There’s a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.

I might go if I’ve got nothing on.

What To Say?

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

13th Amendment

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn’t apply to congressmen.

They Appear Bright

Light travels faster than sound.

That’s why some people appear bright until they talk.

Warn Him Quick!

Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!

Psychic Amnesiac

I used to know a psychic with amnesia.

They knew in advance what they were going to forget.