People Jokes

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

What’s the last thing Jeff Bezos does before bed?

He puts his Pajamazon.

I’m done being a people pleaser.

If everyone’s okay with that.

My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”

I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

Are people born with a photographic memory?

Or does it take time to develop?

How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?

The scientific experiments altered his jeans.

What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander woman.

Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

My son asked me what procrastinate means.

I said, “I’ll tell you later.”

Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

A pirate walked into the doctors with a broken arm.

They told him to sling his hook.

A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I told him, “It’s between 1 and 8 pm.”

Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?

Aisle B, back.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

What do sad Mexicans wear?

Sombereros.

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don’t know why she got so mad at me.

It’s pretty hard to write on sand.

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they’re vegan. They keep shouting, “Lettuce leaf!”