People Jokes

People call me self centered.

But that’s enough about them.

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

What’s the last thing Jeff Bezos does before bed?

He puts his Pajamazon.

I’m done being a people pleaser.

If everyone’s okay with that.

My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”

I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

Are people born with a photographic memory?

Or does it take time to develop?

How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?

The scientific experiments altered his jeans.

What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander woman.

Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

My son asked me what procrastinate means.

I said, “I’ll tell you later.”

Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

A pirate walked into the doctors with a broken arm.

They told him to sling his hook.

A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I told him, “It’s between 1 and 8 pm.”

Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?

Aisle B, back.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

What do sad Mexicans wear?

Sombereros.

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don’t know why she got so mad at me.

It’s pretty hard to write on sand.

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they’re vegan. They keep shouting, “Lettuce leaf!”

How does an Eskimo build his house?

Igloos it together.

My grandfather is 85 and he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying, “Here comes the train”, and we always used to eat it straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.

I used to know a baker who had red hair.

He was a ginger bread man.

My wife said to me, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?”

I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way.”

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative…

Announce that you won the lottery and you’ll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

These damn millennials…

Walking around like they rent the place.

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff.

The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

“Back in the day,” my grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”

There’s a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.

I might go if I’ve got nothing on.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn’t apply to congressmen.

Light travels faster than sound.

That’s why some people appear bright until they talk.

Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!

I used to know a psychic with amnesia.

They knew in advance what they were going to forget.