Who called them Dad jokes instead of Pop corn?
My three favorite things are eating my family…
And not using commas.
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!
If I don’t perfect human cloning…
I won’t be able to live with myself.
Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams move is Mrs. Fire.
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine…
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant…
but then I changed my mind.
I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.
I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.
The Greek restaurant in my town is so authentic it’s gone bankrupt.
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags – he’s bi-satchel.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
People say I’m condescending…
That means I talk down to people.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology…
Don’t buy it!
My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day…
…teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Change is inevitable…
…except from vending machines.
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ…
Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
People say I’ve got no willpower.
But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.
I like to hold hands at the movies.
Which always seems to startle strangers.
I had a neck brace fitted years ago…
I’ve never looked back since.
I keep writing letters to myself.
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know why.
I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch, it’s started suggesting I go outside.
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I’m not sure how to feel about that.