One Liner Jokes

Who called them Dad jokes instead of Pop corn?

My three favorite things are eating my family…

And not using commas.

A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!

If I don’t perfect human cloning…

I won’t be able to live with myself.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams move is Mrs. Fire.

Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine…

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant…

but then I changed my mind.

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.

I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.

The Greek restaurant in my town is so authentic it’s gone bankrupt.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags – he’s bi-satchel.

I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.

People say I’m condescending…

That means I talk down to people.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology…

Don’t buy it!

My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day…

…teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Change is inevitable…

…except from vending machines.

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ…

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

People say I’ve got no willpower.

But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.

I like to hold hands at the movies.

Which always seems to startle strangers.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago…

I’ve never looked back since.

I keep writing letters to myself.

Dear me.

I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch, it’s started suggesting I go outside.

Someone just stole my mood ring.

I’m not sure how to feel about that.