Wrongly Named
Who called them Dad jokes instead of Pop corn?
Who called them Dad jokes instead of Pop corn?
My three favorite things are eating my family…
And not using commas.
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!
If I don’t perfect human cloning…
I won’t be able to live with myself.
Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams move is Mrs. Fire.
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine…
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant…
but then I changed my mind.
I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.
I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.
The Greek restaurant in my town is so authentic it’s gone bankrupt.
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags – he’s bi-satchel.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
People say I’m condescending…
That means I talk down to people.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology…
Don’t buy it!
My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day…
…teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Change is inevitable…
…except from vending machines.
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ…
Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
People say I’ve got no willpower.
But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.
I like to hold hands at the movies.
Which always seems to startle strangers.
I had a neck brace fitted years ago…
I’ve never looked back since.
I keep writing letters to myself.
Dear me.
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know why.
I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch, it’s started suggesting I go outside.
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I’m not sure how to feel about that.