Favorite Things

My three favorite things are eating my family…

And not using commas.

Ribbon Repair Business

A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!

Human Cloning

If I don’t perfect human cloning…

I won’t be able to live with myself.

Workout

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Favorite Movie

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams move is Mrs. Fire.

A Great Name!

Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine…

Refusing To Sleep

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Wrong Vocation

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

Bad Driver

I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”

Country Music

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.

This Town Ain’t Big Enough!

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

In Two Minds!

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant…

but then I changed my mind.

Assumption Club

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

Time Travel

I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.

Wrote A Book

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology…

Don’t buy it!

Teach A Man To Fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day…

…teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Important Organ

I used to think the brain was the most important organ…

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

Quit Smoking

People say I’ve got no willpower.

But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.

Never Look Back

I had a neck brace fitted years ago…

I’ve never looked back since.

Know Your Alphabet

I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

Watching Too Much TV

I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch, it’s started suggesting I go outside.

Mood Ring

Someone just stole my mood ring.

I’m not sure how to feel about that.