Who called them Dad jokes instead of Pop corn?
My three favorite things are eating my family…
And not using commas.
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!
If I don’t perfect human cloning…
I won’t be able to live with myself.
Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams move is Mrs. Fire.
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine…
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant…
but then I changed my mind.
I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.
I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.
The Greek restaurant in my town is so authentic it’s gone bankrupt.
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags – he’s bi-satchel.