Going Deaf

My doctor told me I’m going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

Twitter Addiction

Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.

Doctor: I don’t follow you.

Grease Soundtrack

I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head…

He said, “Tell me more”.

Social Distancing

Social distancing has been particularly stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear such measures will push someone over the edge.

Nasty Sting

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

“I’ve been stung by a nasty insect of some kind,” she tells the doctor, “but I’m ashamed to tell you where.”

“It’s okay,” says the doctor. “Our communication is privileged; I won’t tell anyone.”

“Okay,” says the woman. “It was at Walmart.”

Medication Aversion

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds.

Because every time I take them she goes away.

Oldest Circumcision

What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cut off date.

Cherry Cake

Patient: Doctor, doctor. I’ve come out in spots like cherries on a cake.

Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.

Patient Knees

As a doctor, I’m addicted to hitting my patients on their knees.

I really get a kick out of it.

Carbon Monoxide Detector

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

It Could Have Been Worse

This old guy goes to the doctor to get the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but you’ve got terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

The old man says, “That’s not so bad. I could have had cancer!”

Voices In My Head

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices in my head.

She told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Think Carefully

My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face.

I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

If All Goes Well

As I laid on the hospital trolley awaiting my surgery, I asked the doctor, “How long will I be in hospital?”

He said, “If all goes well, about a week. If not, about 45 minutes.”

Strangely Named Student

A student visits the principal’s office one day.

The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?”

The student replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

Head Lice

Apparently, head lice have now become resistant to the drugs normally used to treat them.

The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

Persistent Wind

I went to the doctor yesterday and asked him to give me something for persistent wind.

He gave me a kite.

Don’t Lick The Knife

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked.

“Sorry, force of habit,” I said. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes but not during surgery, Doctor.”

I Think I’m A Moth

I walked into the dentist’s and said, “I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist said, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.”

I said, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”

He said, “What are you doing here then?”

I said, “The light was on.”

Washing Machine Accident

My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.

Her clothes don’t fit anymore.

Dizzy Spells

I went to the Doctors yesterday and told him that I kept thinking I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.

He said, “How long have you been having these Disney spells?”

Silent But Deadly

This little old lady visits her doctor and says to him, “I have a problem with really bad gas, Doctor, but to be honest it really doesn’t bother me too much because my farts are always silent and never, ever smell. Actually, I must have farted at least fifteen times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t even realize I was farting because like I said my farts don’t smell and are completely silent.”

The doctor replies, “I see, hmm…. try taking one of these pills every night and come back and see me again next week.”

The next week the little old lady returns to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I don’t know what the hell those pills were that you gave me, but now my farts, although they are still silent, my God, they stink awful!”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Very Tired

I went to the doctors and told him, “Every time I fart the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol. What’s wrong with me?”

He said, “That’s easy. You’re exhausted.”

A Severe Case Of OCD

I have CDO.

It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

Waiting For A Bus

A guy is walking down the street one day when he spots a man with no arms or legs waiting at a bus stop.

He shouts out to him, “Hey buddy, how are you getting on?”

Test Results

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth when a young nurse turns up to wash his hands and feet.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

The rookie nurse is embarrassed and replies, “I don’t know, sir, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.”

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Again the nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet,” as she carries on washing him.

Once more the man mumbles, “Nurse, are testicles black?”

Finally, the nurse pulls back the bed covers, lifts the man’s gown, holds his member in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, before saying “There is nothing wrong with them!”

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, “That was very nice but, are… my… test… results… back?”

Unconventional Doctor

A woman walks into the doctor’s surgery but doesn’t like the way he’s looking at her while she is talking to him.

So when he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she takes off her clothes. After he turns out the lights she asks, “Where should I put my clothes?”

“Just hang them up over here,” he says, “next to mine.”

Really Bad News

I was in the hospital visiting a friend today and I couldn’t help overhearing a doctor say to one of the other patients, “I have some bad news, and some really bad news.”

The patient asked, “What’s the bad news?”

The doctor replied, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

The patient said, “Oh my god! And what’s the really bad news?”

The doctor said, “I should have told you yesterday.”

What Do You Think?

My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He hasn’t said so, but I know that he’s thinking it.

At First I Was Afraid…

I’ve just been diagnosed with a tumor.

I was scared and horrified at first, but it’s starting to grow on me.

Invisible Man

Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

Hospital Hygiene

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene…

…but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.