It Could Have Been Worse

This old guy goes to the doctor to get the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but you’ve got terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

The old man says, “That’s not so bad. I could have had cancer!”

Strangely Named Student

A student visits the principal’s office one day.

The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?”

The student replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

I Think I’m A Moth

I walked into the dentist’s and said, “I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist said, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.”

I said, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”

He said, “What are you doing here then?”

I said, “The light was on.”

Silent But Deadly

This little old lady visits her doctor and says to him, “I have a problem with really bad gas, Doctor, but to be honest it really doesn’t bother me too much because my farts are always silent and never, ever smell. Actually, I must have farted at least fifteen times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t even realize I was farting because like I said my farts don’t smell and are completely silent.”

The doctor replies, “I see, hmm…. try taking one of these pills every night and come back and see me again next week.”

The next week the little old lady returns to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I don’t know what the hell those pills were that you gave me, but now my farts, although they are still silent, my God, they stink awful!”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Very Tired

I went to the doctors and told him, “Every time I fart the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol. What’s wrong with me?”

He said, “That’s easy. You’re exhausted.”

Test Results

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth when a young nurse turns up to wash his hands and feet.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

The rookie nurse is embarrassed and replies, “I don’t know, sir, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.”

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Again the nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet,” as she carries on washing him.

Once more the man mumbles, “Nurse, are testicles black?”

Finally, the nurse pulls back the bed covers, lifts the man’s gown, holds his member in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, before saying “There is nothing wrong with them!”

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, “That was very nice but, are… my… test… results… back?”