Different T-Shirt

My wife said to me, “I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait. I can change.”

Wife’s Underwear

“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.

She said, “Wear your own then.”

More Chores

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

No Tattoos

My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.

She is infringing on my right to bear arms.

Married For Looks

I married my wife for her looks.

Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.

No Amazon Order

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday.

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were okay.

Mad Wife

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.

It’s not like I did anything.

Happily Married?

A recent study has revealed that 58% of marriages end in misery.

The other 42% end in divorce.

Bad Cook

My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

Weight Gain

Why do guys gain weight after they get married?

Because when they’re single, they come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.

When they’re married, they come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge.

New Girlfriend

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family today.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed kind of mad.

Hidden Letters

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

Stolen Credit Card

I went to the police and told them my credit card had been stolen six months earlier.

They asked my why I hadn’t reported it earlier.

I said, “Because the thief was spending less than my wife.”

So then they asked why I was reporting it now.

I said, “I think the thief’s wife has started using it.”

Potato Peeler

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids.

Apparently, she left me two days ago.

Billionaire Marriage

A 60 year-old billionaire gets married to a super hot 21 year old girl.

At the party after the ceremony, the billionaire is talking to an old friend who wants to know the secret of how he such a beautiful, young bride.

“It’s easy” the billionaire boasts, “I just lied about my age.”

The friend replies, “Yes, but even for a 45 year-old guy, she is stunning. By the way, what age did you tell her you are?”

With a smile, the billionaire says, “85.”

Started Raining

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is stare sadly through the window.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Bad Luck

This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He kept slipping in and out of a coma but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.

Then one day, when he woke from his coma, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.

As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.

He said, “I think you’re bad luck…”

Like Grenades

Wives are like grenades.

Remove the ring and BOOM, your house is gone!

Unknown Wife

A young boy goes to his Dad one day and says, “Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?”

The dad replies, “It’s like that everywhere, son.”

Graveyard

I visited my wife’s grave earlier today.

A guy came past and said, “Morning.”

I said, “No, just walking the dog.”

Missing Wife

My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst.

So I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

Conversation Starter

My wife has a really odd way of starting conversations.

She always begins by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”

Wife Leaving Me

My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns.

I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”

Divorce Court

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully, ” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

Turned Down Marriage Proposal

A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

Supermarket Cashier

My wife said she’s leaving me because I think I’m a supermarket cashier.

I said, “Would you like any help with your packing?”

Luxury German Car

My wife is like a luxury German car.

She emits gases and then denies it.

A Happy Wife

My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy.

She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.”

I said, “Oh yeah, and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”

She said, “Your name never came up in conversation.”

Pay The Wife A Compliment

My wife said to me, “I hate myself because I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

I said, “You’ve got perfect eyesight.”

Breakfast Time

This guy arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him.

She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.”

“Of course I do,” replies the guy.

“Well then, what is it?” asks his wife.

“Breakfast!”

How To Satisfy The Wife

I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife.

He told me I should do what he does.

I asked, “What’s that, then?”

He said, “Earn 100k a year.”

A Romantic Wife

A wife, being of romantic disposition, sent a text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

The husband, a typically non-romantic man, replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advice…”

Getting Contractions

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to get contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right I’m here, what do you want me to do now?”

Too Arrogant

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant.

I told her to close the door on the way back in.

Need To Grow Up

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.