Lemon Jokes And Puns

When life gives you lemons… enjoy funny lemon jokes and puns to cheer yourself up! You won’t be sour after reading these examples!

Header image for a page of funny lemon jokes and puns.

Funny Lemon Jokes

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought, “The streets are strangely desserted tonight.”

Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

“A lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid.

I love hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything but the lemon juice in it wreaks havoc on my dentures.

My dentist said he has just the thing: Dentures made of chrome. Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

I was watching an Australian show and the audience applauded when the host made a lemon meringue.

I was confused because I thought Australians usually boo meringue.

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemon aid.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What do you call a lemon with no eyes?

A lemon. Lemons don’t typically have eyes.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

When lemons give you life, you probably have scurvy.

Did anyone see the news story about the HIV virus mutating to affect citrus plants?

It can cause lemon AIDS.

I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.

They were really sour about it.

I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.

But unfortunately Sierra Mist.

Do you like lemons?

Because I think they are sublime.

What do a lemon pie and my finger have in common?

They’ve both got meringue on ’em.

You can’t put a price on slippery lemons.

What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?

A sour puss.

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow.

“What on earth is that, Holmes?”

“It’s a lemon entry, my dear Watson.”

How are synagogues like lemons?

They’re full of acidic juice.

Life has never given me lemons.

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people.

Who did the lemon rob the bank with?

His partner in lime.

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest.

Why was the lemon sent to detention after school.

It was always tarty.

What kind of lemon performs charity work?

Lemonaid.

“I only like lemons,” Tom said zestfully.

What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it.

Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree

Remained fruitless.

I always take life with a grain of salt…

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

Which tree has the least amount of education?

A lemon tree.

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

A drunk goes up to his host at a party and says with that terrible seriousness of totally plastered adults and very small children, “Excuse Me.”

The host turns around and there is the drunk, just plastered and glassy eyed, completely out of it.

The host thinking there is something wrong says, “Yes? What’s the problem? What is it?”

The drunk says, “Can you answer a question?”

And the host says, “Sure! Fire away”

The drunk speaking very carefully says, “Do lemons whistle?”

The host says, “No lemons do not whistle. Why do you ask?”

The drunk staggers back and smacks his forehead in chagrin and states,

“Oh my God! Well in that case I have squeezed your canary into my gin & tonic”

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

“I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.

“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

A man approaches a priest.

“Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that smile off your face.”

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work.

They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time.

The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn’t get drunk at all, let alone tipsy.

The lemon, being citrus, didn’t feel very good after the second drink.

The pea, being very small, got absolutely trashed after the first drink.

Being the adult of the group, potato decided it was time to head home.

When they all left the bar, lemon thought that they had been drinking too much so they shouldn’t be driving home.

Pea suggested that since they are all relatively circular in shape, they can just roll home.

Potato and lemon thought it would be a good idea, so they all rolled down a hill towards their homes.

Potato was bumping and flailing everywhere due to his abnormal shape.

Lemon was also bumping and flailing everywhere because he wasn’t perfectly circular either.

Pea, however, was having the time of his life.

Once they all landed at the bottom of the hill, potato was feeling exhausted, lemon was almost puking, and pea was jumping with joy, screaming “Let’s do that again! Let’s do that again!”

Potato, who had some sense left, scolded pea saying, “Easy Pea-sy, Lemon’s queasy!”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about lemons, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: