New Job

I’ve just got a new job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

Made Six Figures!

I’m not bragging but I made six figures this year…

So they named me the year’s worst employee at the toy factory.

Heavy Metal

Any guy who plays heavy metal at work…

Is office rocker.

Boss Beater

Today at work I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart.

I’ve been charged with a graph-aided assault.

Garbage Men Training

Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

It’s going well …

I’ve started a boat building business in my attic.

The sails are going through the roof.

Wait A Minute!

The job interviewer asked why they should give me the waiter’s job.

I said, “I bring a lot to the table”.

Department Of Unemployment

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment …

Is that when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

It Must Be Tiring

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they’re working around the clock.

Learned My Lesson

I learned my lesson about speeding today, and I’ll definitely make sure it never happens again.

I didn’t get pulled over or anything, I got to work 20 minutes early.

My Greatest Strength

I went for a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, “What would you say your greatest weakness is?”

I said, “I think I’d have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.”

Biggest Weakness

I went for a job interview today.

The interviewer asked me, “What’s your biggest weakness?”

I said, “Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.”

The interviewer asked, “Could you give me an example?”

I said, “Yes, I could.”

My Boss Hates Me

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick.

Mostly because his name is Steve.

New Car

My boss pulled up to work in a beautiful new top-of-the-range car today.

I complimented him on it and he said to me, “Well, if you get your head down and work hard, set goals and stay committed to them, be determined and work long hours….

Maybe next year I can get an even better one.”

I’m Responsible!

I went for a job interview today and the guy interviewing me told me they were looking for someone responsible.

I said, “In that case, I’m your guy. In my last job, every time something went wrong they said I was responsible.”

Taxi Driver

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

It turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Structural Engineer

My friend is a structural engineer.

He’s always complaining about stress at work.

Honesty Is The Best Policy

I went for a job interview yesterday. The interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was.

I said, “My honesty.”

He said, “I don’t think that’s a weakness.”

I said, “I don’t care what you think.”

Mental Arithmetic

I went for a job interview today and the interviewer said to me, “According to your CV, you’re really quick at mental arithmetic.”

I said, “Yes, that’s right.”

He asked me, “Okay, what’s eighteen multiplied by nineteen?”

I replied, “Thirty nine.”

He said, “No, that’s not even close.”

I said, “No, but it was quick.”

Bill In The Mailbox

A doctor is at a party where he gets to talking to a lawyer friend. He tells the lawyer how sick he is of his friends always asking him for free medical advice.

The lawyer says, “Just to what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.”

The doctor says he’ll give this a try and thanks his lawyer friend.

When the doctor gets home, he finds a bill in the mailbox from his lawyer.

Egyptian Tomb

I got a job building Egyptian tombs, but it turned out to be a pyramid scheme.

Camouflage Training

I’m in the army and this afternoon I got called in to see my commanding officer. He growled at me, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”

I said, “Thank you very much, sir.”

Stress Rabbit

On the drive home from work today I hit a rabbit.

I keep one in the car for when I’m stressed.

I’m a Lumberjack

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview.

The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?”

The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

Not A Lawyer

A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”

“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”

My Neighbor Owes Me

A man visited his lawyer and said to him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”

“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.

“No,” said the man.

The lawyer said, “OK, then here’s what you should do. Send him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you.”

“But it’s only $500,’ replied the man.

“Exactly! That’s what he’ll reply and then you’ll have your proof!”

Believe In Life After Death

My boss at work said to me today, “Do you believe in the supernatural and life after death?”

“Yes, I think so,” I replied.

He said, “I thought you probably would. Yesterday after you left early to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you…”