Last Words

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Liters, Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

Upcoming Cruise

My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.

I said, “Don’t worry. We’ll all be in the same boat.”


I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

Twin Girls

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

Two Astronauts

First astronaut: “Hey, I can’t find any milk for my coffee.”

Second astronaut: “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”

Fly Killer

A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”

He said, “No, it kills them.”

New Gym Machine

I went to the gym and there’s a new machine. I used it for an hour and and ended up feeling sick.

Its good though, it does everything. 

Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers …

Friends References

I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Dream Job

I got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city…

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

Time Difference

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Mobile Phone Implant

My friend is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.

When his wife finds out she’s going to ring his neck.


I told my wife that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.

“Whatever floats your boat”, she said.

I said, “No, that’s buoyancy”.

Government Offer

The government offered to buy my guns from me.

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I’m not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Weekend Plans

My friend asked me, “What are your plans for the weekend?”

I said, “I’m going to buy glasses.”

She said, “And then what?”

I replied, “Then I’ll see.”


I said to my doctor, “I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”

She said, “That’s not how ADHD works.”

I said, “But I keep losing my Focus!”