Funny Joke Of The Day | LaffGaff, Home Of Fun And Laughter

How To Get Things Done

There are 3 ways to get things done:

1. Do it yourself.

2. Hire someone to do it for you.

3. Or tell your kids not to do it.

You Can Count On Her

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

Swimming Competition

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.

The brunette came in first and the redhead second.

The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and a drink she said, “I don’t want to complain, but I’m pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.”

Job Satisfaction

Inspecting mirrors…

Is a job I could really see myself doing.

Monkee Obsessed

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

Aiming For A Gig

Me and some mates have just formed a band. We’ve called ourselves “999 Megabytes”.

We haven’t got a gig yet.

Make Sure She’s Dead

A blonde and a redhead are walking in the woods one day when the redhead suddenly has a heart attack and falls to the ground.

Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone, calls the police and shouts, “Help! I think my friend is dead, what should I do?”

The policeman who answered the phone says, “Ok, calm down and listen to me. The first thing to do is to make sure that they really are dead….”

There’s a silence…

Then a loud gunshot…

Then the blonde comes back on the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”

The Evil Eye

A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evil looks in the pub.

I said, “Keep looking at me like that and you’ll be spending the night in A&E.”

He said, “I’d like to see you try!”

So I stabbed his wife.

Here To Stay

A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how they decided which patients should be kept in.

The director replies, “We fill up a bath and then offer the patient the choice of a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

The visitor then says, “Oh, I see – a normal person would choose the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

The director responds, “No, a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?”

Important Organ

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

Songwriter

I’ve just written a song about tortillas.

Actually, it’s more of a rap.

Circus Killer

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

Driven Mad

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

Weight Loss

I’ve lost seven pounds this week…

Or as my girlfriend calls it, “the baby”.

Jump Leads

Two jump leads walk into a bar and order a beer.

The barman says, “Ok, I’ll serve you – just don’t go starting anything.”

Bad Writer

I submitted a book on confectionery to the publishers.

They said I couldn’t write for toffee…

No Willpower

People say I’ve got no willpower.

But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.

Holding Hands At The Movies

I like to hold hands at the movies.

Which always seems to startle strangers.

If You’re Bored

Bored?

Simply sneak into your local hospital, find someone who looks a bit worried in the waiting area and then walk up to them and say, “I’m terribly sorry – we lost him.”

Never Look Back

I had a neck brace fitted years ago.

I’ve never looked back since.

Surprise Me

I was tired and bored one night so I went to the bar to have a few drinks.

The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?”

I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Note To Self

I keep writing letters to myself.

Dear me.

Know Your Alphabet

I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

Magical Father

My father was a magician.

Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.

Watching Too Much Netflix

I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch …

It’s started suggesting I go outside.

Bear With Me

A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a whisky and …

… soda.”

The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

“Dunno,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”

Sensitive Teeth

I’ve got very sensitive teeth.

They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.

Butterfly Life

My wife said, “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?”

I said, “That’s a myth.”

She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

“Well that’s hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!” I said angrily.

“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.

I said, “Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”

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