Someone just stole my mood ring.
I’m not sure how to feel about that.
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I’m not sure how to feel about that.
I walked into the bedroom today and tripped over the wife’s bra.
It was a booby trap.
If I’m not mistaken …
Tippex is pretty useless.
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.
It just goes from bad to worse!
“Are you serious – I can’t believe you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked a girl I was chatting to in a nightclub.
“What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”
“Well that’s hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!” I said angrily.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.
I said, “Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”
It’s always difficult texting someone to tell them a loved one has passed away…
Especially when your name is Lol.
My sister bet me 100 dollars that I couldn’t build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
I love Switzerland.
I’m not sure what the best thing about it is, but their flag is a big plus.
I was at the cash machine the other day when a little old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance for her.
So I pushed her over.
I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”.
Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
My friend drowned in a half-empty bath tub yesterday.
And he was normally so optimistic.
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order…
A young woman is lying on her death bed close to the end. Her husband comes into the room and gently takes hold of her hand to comfort her.
The woman musters up what’s left of her strength and whispers, “Darling, I must come clean with you”.
The man hushes her, telling her to save her strength.
She ignores him and continues anyway telling him that she hasn’t been completely faithful to him and that she’s had multiple affairs with his brother, father, sister and uncle.
The man replies, “I know darling, why do you think I poisoned you?”
I’m making a graph of my past relationships.
I have an ‘ex’-axis and a ‘why?’-axis.
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: “Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?”
The big woman replies: “Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I’m blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6’5″, weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kick-boxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?”
The guy thinks about it a second and says: “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a bowl of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
Someone has stolen my Microsoft Office and they are going to pay for it.
You have my Word.
First thing this morning there was a tap on my door.
My plumber has a funny sense of humor.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little monkey. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married.
The wedding ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent…
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
My wife just rang me.
She said, “The two kids want you to take them bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema.”
“It’s either one or the other,” I said, “otherwise it’s too expensive.”
“Okay,” she replied. “Which one do you prefer?”
I said, “David.”
I was walking through town the other day when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf.
I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low.
I wrote a book on penguins.
With hindsight, I realize that paper would have been easier.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barman gives her one.
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”
A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sat quietly in the pub having a pint when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac, and then storms off again.
The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”
The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath…”
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, “Pint please…
…and one for the road.”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, “The driver just insulted me.”
The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, “I’m not happy.”
I said, “Well, which one are you then?”
A wife says to her husband, “How would you describe me?”
Her husband replies “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
The wife asks “What does that mean?”
The husband says “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
The wife is pleased, “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
The husband says “I’m just kidding!”
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.
Then it dawned on me.
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I’ve got a parcel for your next door neighbor.”
I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate.”
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.
I didn’t know what to make of it.
Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party.
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.
It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.
My wife just found out that I’ve replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.
A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
My granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He’s now classed as a seasoned veteran.