100 Feet In The Air
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
Joke Of The Day Archives
Favorite Letter
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts his hand up and says, “G, miss”.
The teacher asks, “Why is that, Angus?”
Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
A man and his wife are having an argument.
The wife yells, “Get out of the house, I hate you! I want a divorce, get out now!”
Then, as her husband is walking out the door, she screams, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”
The husband stops and says, “Hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?”
Ripped Jesus
Why did Jesus look so ripped during crucifixion?
Crossfit.
Things To Do Before You Die
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”.
I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Polish Fisherman
What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.
Conspiracy Theorists
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We may never know the truth.
Named After Jefferson
I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson.
She said, “But your name is Brian.”
I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
Leaving My Wife
My wife said she was fed up with me always getting my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right.
Kermit The Frog
What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common?
They share the same middle name.
Teaching Democracy
To teach my kids about democracy, I let them vote on what we would have for dinner.
They picked pizza.
Then I made tacos because they don’t live in a swing state.
The Other Side Of The River
Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?”
The second guy shouts back, “You are on the other side of the river!”
Naked Picture
Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
Great Comedian
I saw this great comedian last night. He made the whole audience laugh without saying a word.
No joke.
Water Bill
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill.
I’ve sent him a Get Well Soon card.
Bald Men
Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?
So they can run their hands through their hair.
Gym Date
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
Talking Behind My Back
I hate people who talk about me behind my back.
They discussed me.
Fungi Room
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Floating Goat
Some people think that killing animals with helium is wrong.
I don’t judge…
Whatever floats your goat.
Stormtrooper Firing Squad
A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad.
He will be missed.
The Best Thing
An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.
His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”
The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”
Shovel Invention
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,
But the invention of the broom swept the nation.
Chicken And Egg
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon…
I’ll let you know.
Poop Your Pants
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me.
Donald Trump Secret Service
What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at?
Donald! Duck!
Food Shopping
They say never go food shopping when you’re hungry.
But it’s been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
Psychiatrist Waiting Room
I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by…
Most people hate it, but I’m a fan.
Twelve Holes
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your butt.
One Night Stand
The furniture store keeps calling me back…
But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
Genie Wishes
Genie: What’s your first wish.
Steve: I wish I was rich.
Genie: What’s your second wish.
Rich: I want lots of money.
Alcoholic Drinks
When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic.
But when I drink Fanta, no-one says I’m fantastic.
Wife’s Twin Sister
I just found out my wife has a twin sister.
I saw her on Tinder.
Afraid Of Heights
What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?
A chicken.
Plagiarism Accusation
My professor accused me of plagiarism.
His words, not mine.
Japanese Friend
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
If Anything Ever Happens
My girlfriend said to me the other day, “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”
Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything”.
Who Led The Jews?
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.
Candy Bar Stealer
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
Soft Drinks
Which part of America can’t sell full-sized soft drinks?
Minne-soda.
