Mother’s Favorite Son

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party.

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

eBay

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

Trampoline

My wife just found out that I’ve replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof…

No-one To Blame

A book just fell on my head.

I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

War Veteran

My granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He’s now classed as a seasoned veteran.

Bubblewrap

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.

“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

It took me three hours.

Race Crime

I shot someone with a starting gun the other day.

I’ve been charged with a race crime.

Out of Order

Someone texted me in the middle of the night.

All the text said was “G A B N”.

I think that’s bang out of order.