Farmer Counting Cows

A farmer was in the field counting his cows; he counted 196 of them.

But when he rounded them up he had 200.

Funny Apple Store

I was at the Apple store today when it got robbed.

I guess that makes me an iWitness.

Sued The Airport

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

My Boss Is Firing

My boss said he’s going to fire the worker with the worst posture.

I’ve got a hunch it might be me.

1,000 Word Essay

My teacher asked me to submit a 1,000 word essay.

I couldn’t be bothered.

So I handed in a picture instead.

You Should See My Girlfriend

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, bragging about his highly paid job and his expensive sports car.

Then he showed me a picture of his wife on his phone and said to me, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I replied, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”

He asked, “Why? Is she a stunner?”

I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

Talking Dog

Today, my talking dog brought a stick to me and told me he found it five hundred miles away.

That’s a bit far-fetched.

Water On Mars

Yo momma so fat…

She jumped in the pool and they found water on Mars.

English Teacher Marriage

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

Tennis Doubles Partner

I’ve sacked my tennis doubles partner.

I’ve told him his services are no longer required.

Withdrawal Symptoms

I’m addicted to having money in the bank.

I really do suffer from withdrawals.

Threw A Boomerang

I threw a boomerang five years ago and it never came back.

Now I live in constant fear.

Learn From Your Mistakes

My Mom learns something new from me every day.

She thinks it’s important to learn from your mistakes.

Mind Power

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

It took a bit longer than I thought it would though.

English Language Is Strange

The English language is pretty strange and confusing.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

Knock Knock

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

It’s the undertaker, sir…. It’s a good job I checked.

Pregnant Woman

A heavily pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back.

A nurse comes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!”

The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand.”

The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”

The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her. She’s having contractions.”

In Two Minds!

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant.

But then I changed my mind.

Narcissist Light Bulb Changer

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He just has to hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

Art Critic

A young, up-and-coming artist was exhibiting his work for the very first time.

A world famous art critic was there and he came up to the young artist and asked him, “Would you like my opinion on your work?”

“Yes”, replied the artist.

“It’s worthless,” said the critic.

The artist said, “Yes, I know, but tell me anyway.”

Long Term Relationship

I ended a long term relationship today.

I’m not too bothered about it. It wasn’t mine.

Assumption Club

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

Alcohol Fun

I hate it when people say you don’t need to drink alcohol to have fun.

You don’t need shoes to run, but it sure does help.

Splitting Up

I was in the park yesterday when I saw a tramp having a huge argument with his girlfriend on a bench. He suddenly stood up and poured his bottle of meths over the bench and set it on fire.

“What the heck are you doing?” I yelled at him.

He said, “She can leave me if she wants, but there’s no way she’s getting the house.”

Supermarket Cashier

My wife said she’s leaving me because I think I’m a supermarket cashier.

I said, “Would you like any help with your packing?”

Low Fat Diet

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”

He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”

Fired By Pepsi

I’ve just been fired from my job at Pepsi.

I tested positive for Coke.

Autobiography

If anyone is thinking about buying an autobiography, I don’t want to spoil the ending for you but …

They write a book.

Wifi Password

I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the wifi password.

“Have some respect for the dead!” he said.

“Ok, is that all lower case with no spaces?” I asked.

Where’s Waldo?

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

Cheap Skate

This guy offered me a go on his ice rink for $1.

I thought “What a cheap skate.”

A World Without Sin

Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree.

After all, there’s only so many problems that can be answered with cos and tan.

Acting Like A Detective

My girlfriend said to me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up.”

I said, “Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.”

Student Loans

Thank you student loans, for helping me to get through college.

I don’t think I can ever repay you.

New Haribo Sweets

I’m really disappointed with the new Haribo Star Wars sweets collection.

They’re all chewy.

Luxury German Car

My wife is like a luxury German car.

She emits gases and then denies it.

Moses And Windows

Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.

Well Dressed Man

What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

How To Tell Twins Apart

I’ve been sleeping with this really gorgeous girl who’s a twin.

My friend asked me how I tell them apart.

I said, “That’s easy – her brother has a beard.”

It Could Have Been Worse

This old guy goes to the doctor to get the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but you’ve got terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

The old man says, “That’s not so bad. I could have had cancer!”

Voices In My Head

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices in my head.

She told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

A Hot Date

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date.

They said she was imaginary.

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.

Parallel Lines

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

A Lot Of Sacrifices

In order to make a relationship work you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden.

Red Mark

My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face.

I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

Kitchen Sink

This girl had been out for the evening and met this guy who she brought back to her house, where they were kissing and cuddling downstairs.

Because her parents were asleep in bed upstairs, she told the guy they had to be quiet and when he told her that he was desperate to use the toilet, she didn’t want to send him upstairs and run the risk of him waking her parents up. So she told him he should just use the kitchen sink instead.

A few minutes later he popped his head around the door.

She whispered as quietly as she could to him, “Have you finished?”

“Yeah,” he whispered back, “Have you got any toilet paper?”

Addicted To Brake Fluid

I’ve got a friend who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time.

Lifebelt Wreath

My friend drowned and it was his funeral yesterday. All his friends clubbed together and we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it’s what he would have wanted.