Joke Of The Day Archives

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

My wife’s cooking is incredible.

With a silent “cr”.

My wife worships me.

She puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.

My neighbor is dead against it.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you.

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.

Nothing is better than studying.

That’s why I do nothing.

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Today, I beat a black belt at karate.

My next opponent is a green sock.

I went for a job interview today and the interviewer said to me, “According to your CV, you’re really quick at mental arithmetic.”

I said, “Yes, that’s right.”

He asked me, “Okay, what’s eighteen multiplied by nineteen?”

I replied, “Thirty nine.”

He said, “No, that’s not even close.”

I said, “No, but it was quick.”

I’ve just replaced my shoelaces with earphones.

Now they tie themselves.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

I was sad to hear the Head of Latin at my old Catholic school died yesterday.

A mass will be said for him later today.

And amo.

And amat.

I told my friend I saw a man get thrown under a bus today.

He said, “Oh my God – was it moving?”

I said, “Well a few people were crying, but I was fine.”

Why was the archaeologist sad?

Because his career was in ruins.

My friend got jailed for 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

I went to the book store earlier to buy a “Where’s Wally?” book.

When I got there I couldn’t find the book anywhere.

Well played, Wally, well played.

What do you get if you cross a highway with a fridge?

Killed.

I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes!

What do you call Batman when he leaves church early?

Christian Bale.

The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity.

So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

A blonde woman turns up at work in floods of tears. Her boss asks her what’s wrong.

She replies, “My mom died.”

The boss tells her to go home but she insists she’ll be fine.

Later that day, the boss finds her in floods of tears again so he asks if she’s okay.

She replies, “Not really. I just talked to my sister and her mom died too.”

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You’ll get jurasskicked.

I made a chicken salad today.

The ungrateful so-and-so didn’t even eat it.

I woke up to my wife and kids screaming.

I said, “What are you yelling about?”

They said, “You’re driving!”

Why did Miss Piggy break up with her boyfriend?

Because he had Kermit-ment issues.

I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app on my phone.

It sent an ambulance to my house.

My friend Victor recently changed his last name to “E”.

No-one knows why.

He’s become a Mister E.

I told my mom that “WTF” means “Wow, that’s fantastic.”

Her texts are so much more fun now.

When someone says, “Excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable” how long are they normally gone?

Two days seems like an awfully long time.

My wife has set a limit on how much we spend on each other this Christmas.

It’s $50 on me, and $1000 on her.

5 out of 6 scientists say that Russian roulette is safe.

My friend asked me if the Star Wars movies are 3D.

I said, “Yes, but they R2D2.”

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant.

The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer.

The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?”

The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”

My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns.

I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”

My local candle shop burned down yesterday.

Everyone just stood outside singing, “Happy Birthday”.

If my wife made whiskey…

I’d love her still.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

At this time of year, there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

Maybe that’s why I’m no longer a fireman.

An untalented gymnast walks into a bar.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words in a sentence with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.

Girl, if I was an enzyme I would be DNA helicase…

So I could unzip those genes.

My grief counsellor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn’t care.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the heck did she mean?

My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m so handsome and too many other girls want me.

She also said something about chronic lying disorder but I wasn’t really listening.

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully, ” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

I won a million dollars on the lottery today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $999,999.75.

Last night I was walking down the street when I saw a guy trying to grab an old lady’s purse, so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands.