A priest is baptizing this guy one day.
As he dips him in the water three times, he says “Joe, from now on you will be known as Matthew. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol.”
Later that day the guy goes home and heads straight for the fridge.
He grabs a bottle of beer and dips it in the sink. As he does so, he says “From this day on, you will be known as green tea.”
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
If Caitlyn Jenner was a superhero, which team would she be on?
The Ex-Men.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”
Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
My friend is a structural engineer.
He’s always complaining about stress at work.
Sixteen Sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
Socialist jokes aren’t funny…
Unless everyone gets them.
Great wine is like great jazz.
It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.
A young boy was struggling in school with math.
His parents weren’t religious at all but a friend suggested to them that a Catholic school might be more effective in teaching their son so they decided to move him to a new school.
After the switch, his grades improved dramatically. His parents asked the boy what had helped him so much.
He said, “When I saw the guy nailed to the big plus sign I knew they meant business.”
I’ve started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?
It’s true – when was the last time you ate a monkey?
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
My computer just crashed a couple of hours into writing my paper.
Looks like I’m going to have to write the date and my name again.
My ex girlfriend invited me to her wedding.
I told her I was busy, but I’d be there next time.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Why did Leonardo Di Caprio laugh at the Oscars joke?
Because he finally got it.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers.
I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
I visited my wife’s grave earlier today.
A guy came past and said, “Morning.”
I said, “No, just walking the dog.”
What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?
HDMI.
A mummy phones a restaurant and asks to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakrakhotep I.
The woman at the restaurant says, “Could you spell it out, please?”
The mummy says, “Of course: bird, two triangles, wavy line, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”
My friend is a pessimist who hates German sausage.
He always fears the Wurst.
My neighborhood barber has been arrested for selling drugs.
I’ve been his customer for years …
I never knew he was a barber though.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man.
I went for a job interview yesterday. The interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was.
I said, “My honesty.”
He said, “I don’t think that’s a weakness.”
I said, “I don’t care what you think.”
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tooter.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
I once farted in an elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.
Donald Trump is going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese if he becomes president.
He wants to make America grate again.
How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?
You mean nerd, not geek. And you mean riddle, not joke. Proceed.
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today.
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, “Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?”
I said, “What are the options?”
She said, “Yes and No.”
My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.
My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst.
So I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.
Why was the little ink drop crying?
Because his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long the sentence would be.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright …
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
If the number 666 is considered evil…
Is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives.
My wife has a really odd way of starting conversations.
She always begins by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”
A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”
The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”
What did the black holes say when they collided?
Nothing, they just waved.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
I was in a bar getting drunk last night, when the bartender shouted out, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I shouted back, “I do. In fact, I know the entire alphabet.”
Everyone in the bar laughed. Except for one guy.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data. The other is a hardware standard.
Two midgets are sitting around bored one day.
Then one of them pulls out some weed and says, “Do you wanna get medium?”
