High Stakes

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?”

The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”

Red And Black Tarmac

A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sat quietly in the pub having a pint when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac, and then storms off again.

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath…”

One For The Road

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says, “Pint please…

…and one for the road.”

Ugly Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Not Happy

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy.”

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

Just Kidding

A wife says to her husband, “How would you describe me?”

Her husband replies “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

The wife asks “What does that mean?”

The husband says “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

The wife is pleased, “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

The husband says “I’m just kidding!”

Sunrise

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

Wrong House

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I’ve got a parcel for your next door neighbor.”

I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate.”

Plasticine

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.

I didn’t know what to make of it.

Mother’s Favorite Son

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party.

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

eBay

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

Trampoline

My wife just found out that I’ve replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof…

No-one To Blame

A book just fell on my head.

I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

War Veteran

My granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He’s now classed as a seasoned veteran.

Bubblewrap

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.

“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

It took me three hours.

Race Crime

I shot someone with a starting gun the other day.

I’ve been charged with a race crime.

Out of Order

Someone texted me in the middle of the night.

All the text said was “G A B N”.

I think that’s bang out of order.