Joke Of The Day Archives

My wife and I have decided that we don’t want kids.

They’re gonna be upset when we tell them.

A Mom finds some BDSM magazines beneath her son’s bed.

She calls her husband up to the room, shows him, and asks, “What do you think we should do?”

The Dad frowns and says, “Well, I suppose spanking him is out of the question.”

A guy runs into a bar, yelling at the bartender, “Quick, how tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Oh, about 3 feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

P, because without it they’re irate.

Why won’t ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

Because it’s not a Target.

If you ever feel lonely…

Just dim the lights and watch a couple of horror movies. After a while, you won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.

My top three assumptions when my doorbell rings:

1. It’s a murderer.

2. It’s the police come to tell me everyone is dead.

3. It’s that book I ordered about positive thinking.

19 and 20 had a fight.

21.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is stare sadly through the window.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Someone keeps adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

I told my friend that I made $500 a month selling dog poop.

He said, “That’s gross!”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender.

The bartender says, “You can’t do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.”

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.

She said, “I told you not to call me Mom in front of people.”

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar.

The Englishman wanted to go, so they all had to leave.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall whilst carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there’s another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size, the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N’s justify the means.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

It turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial.

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going.

I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation.

It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.

If you like her, you just ignore your phone.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning!

But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.

So he rings the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found.

She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

I asked to switch seats on my flight because I was next to a screaming baby.

Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby’s yours.

America and Britain are having a competition to see who can mess their country up the most.

Britain is currently in the lead but America has a Trump card.

Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?”

The other one says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

I tried to change my password to “14days”.

The computer said it was two week.

Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

A British guy travels to Australia and when he arrives, the customs guy asks, “Do you have a criminal record?”

The British guy replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore.”

I’ve just been fired from my job at the clock-making factory.

After all those extra hours I put in.

How do Japanese Chihuahuas say hello?

Konnichihuahua.

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married.

I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

Schrodinger’s Cat recently went on a crime spree.

He’s wanted dead and alive.

What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?

The first row of a country concert.

When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet I thought someone was actually going to be my friend.

Then I saw the next two letters.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

What does a narcissistic cow say?

“Meeeee!”

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

My dog hasn’t got any legs so I call him Cigarette.

Every night when I get home from work I take him for a drag.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Do you remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry”?

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

What’s a comedian’s least favorite drink?

Booze.

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta.

Now it’s a Ford Focus.

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity.

If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?

Beauty… beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…

She’s asked me to move out with her.

This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He kept slipping in and out of a coma but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.

Then one day, when he woke from his coma, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.

As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.

He said, “I think you’re bad luck…”

What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?

A star-spangled Banner.

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer testicles – they’re under a buck.

I hate how funerals are usually at 9am or 10am.

I’m not a mourning person.