Joke Of The Day Archives

What is Romeo and Juliet’s least favorite fruit?

Can’t-elope.

Mathematics is 90% common sense.

The other half is intelligence.

I forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500.

I am LIVID.

Russia has started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently won’t be allowed on this airline again …

The only thing flat-earthers fear …

is sphere itself.

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, I was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me, “Hey! Watch It!”

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehovah’s Fitness.

What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/she.

I’ve been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and drugs that I’ve finally decided …

To give up reading.

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.

Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!

I found a cure for my wife’s insomnia…

All I have to do is express a desire to make love to her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, “How did that toast get into the cage?”

“It was bread in captivity” she replied.

You know what they say about grandfather clocks…

They’re old timers.

Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!

Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

I was forced to swallow purple food coloring.

I feel violated.

My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong.

I stopped after going once… going twice…

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey…

But I turned myself around.

Why could the lifeguard not save the hippie?

He was too far out man.

I went bobsleighing the other day.

Killed 11 Bobs.

A mathematician couldn’t remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

My wife said to me, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?”

I said, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”

My wife said, “Listen! You never listen!”

The girl I like said she’d go out with me if I knew a six letter word that’s a synonym for “calm”.

I said, “It’s sedate.”

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was.

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet.

Whoops, E-Daisies.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.

I said, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”

I dunno what this WiFi dude did…

But I’ve seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It’s just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it.

I used to know a psychic with amnesia.

They knew in advance what they were going to forget.

I used to be a member of the secret cooking society.

They kicked me out for spilling the beans.

I recently got a step ladder.

It hurts not being able to see my real ladder anymore.

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

My friend told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won’t even look at them anymore.

It’s almost as if they have become trans-parent.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?

Not a fan.

I said to my son today, “Son, you’re just not cut out to be a mime artist.”

He said, “Is it something I said?”

I said, “Yes.”

The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician.

Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of Office.

It improved my outlook.

I once thanked a French guy to death.

It was a merci killing.

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.

It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.

My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”.

She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler.