Joke Of The Day Archives

I forgot to take my banana to the gym today.

It was a fruitless exercise.

For those of you wondering, yes I am retired.

I was tired yesterday and today I am tired again.

What’s a super power most children have?

Supervision.

What’s a computer’s worst memory?

Terrorbytes!

I went into a pet store to buy my parrot a new stand. They wanted $500 for it. I told them that was ridiculous.

Nevertheless, they said, that is the perch’s price.

I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me why I have no money in it.

What do you call a dying airport computer?

A terminal terminal terminal.

Scientists have concluded a study on how alcohol can affect a person’s ability to walk.

The results are staggering.

Playing Scrabble during breakfast this morning and I think my wife spilled syrup all over the letter tiles.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my words.

If you’re ambushed at night …

Then technically you’ve been pmbushed.

Why couldn’t the pirate call his mom on Mother’s Day?

She left the phone off the hook.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

I have a flat stomach.

But the L is silent.

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.

How do you move a heavy piece of furniture at the weather station?

With four casters.

Why did the pirate walk the plank?

Because he didn’t have a dog.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

I have to make a confession: I’m not bench-pressing anymore.

Wow, that took a real weight off my chest.

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”

I said, “No”.

“Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table nine.”

What do you call someone under investigation for stealing Amazon packages?

The prime suspect.

While in an elevator I asked my girlfriend to marry me.

We took our relationship to the next level.

I work outside and when the weather is nice I put on sunglasses.

But when it’s really sunny, I ask for my supervisor.

My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park.

It has several slides.

My dad always said, “No news is good news”.

Great guy, an awful journalist.

My girlfriend complains a lot that I don’t smile anymore.

Well she’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall.

You couldn’t make it up!

I love giant squid jokes.

They’re always kraken me up!

Great news! The police arrested the man who stole my iPad.

I hope he’s going to face time.

I asked a librarian if they had any books on “different noise levels”.

The librarian said, “Sure! What volume would you like?”

Cannibals will never go hungry.

They can always make themselves a snack.

I caught my neighbor stealing my socks off my clothesline.

I was going to confront him, but I got cold feet.

Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back into use?

I for one.

I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

Bit of a long shot …

Does anyone know a sniper?

Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bed sheet.

More on this story, as it unfolds.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop.

He’s not perfect.

But he knows the drill.

My wife begged me to stop telling Scandinavian puns.

I said, “Fine, I’m Finnished.”

My girlfriend changed after she became a vegetarian.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

Pro tip: It’s not wise to get a tattoo with the initials of the person you’re dating.

Especially if they’re “DNR”.

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet; the house is full of stuff.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

I always take my problems to Tommy.

Hilfiger something out.

My wife said she’d leave me unless I stopped making photography puns.

I said, “Snap out of it, don’t be so negative. Let’s see how things develop!”

Her face was a picture! She was out of the house in a flash …

My friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked, “What’s her name?”

My friend replied, “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker said, “How do you spell it, then?”

I’m currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.

She’s going for the ribs.

There was a fire drill at IKEA today.

We all assembled in the car park.

Why did the programmer go broke?

Because she used up all her cache.

“Look,” said the geologist, “I don’t care what you’ve heard. Sandstone is a sedimentary rock.”

“It’s been settled.”