Joke Of The Day Archives

I woke up this morning and my whole body had turned to corn.

If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears.

What does a blind train drive on?

Braille road tracks.

A Frenchman is staying at a hotel in New York. He phones reception and asks for some pepper. “Of course, would you like black pepper or white pepper?” the receptionist asks.

“No, I need toilet pepper,” the Frenchman replies.

What do you call the head of a school of fish?

A Sardean.

My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…

I know where to draw the line.

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine.

“Yes! Oh, yes!” she shouted, eyes filled with tears.

“Great!” I said. “Now take this pick and go find me some gold!”

Did you hear about the polygamist cat?

He had nine wives.

Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?

The thief made a clean getaway.

What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero?

A sea señor.

I put my grandmother’s phone number on speed dial in my phone.

I call it Instagran.

My son asked me, “Is this pool safe for diving?”

I replied, “It deep ends.”

What kind of noise does a train make?

A low commotion.

Saw a sign in a restaurant restroom that said “Employees Must Wash Hands”.

I waited for an hour, and no employee came in to wash my hands.

Did you know that bowling alleys are really quiet?

You can hear a pin drop.

My cabinet installer was arrested last week.

He was charged with counter fitting.

Why did the iPhone go to the dentist?

He had a blue tooth.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the post.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

I brought my own spoon to my cooking class last night.

It caused quite a stir.

Who did Noah hire to design his boat?

An arkitect.

What do you call it when a fortune cookie doesn’t have a fortune inside?

Unfortunate.

Every morning, I take my cow on a long walk through the local vineyard.

I herd it through the grapevine.

Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for Christmas …

It’s a big red flag.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime?

Dairy tales.

A man was driving past a country estate when he saw a sign on the gatepost, “Please ring the bell for the gatekeeper.”

So he rang the bell, and an ancient man appeared. “Are you the gatekeeper?”, asked the first man.

“Yes, I am,” answered the gatekeeper. “May I help you?”

“Not really,” answered the man, “I was just wondering why you can’t ring the bell yourself.”

I woke up suddenly, terrified I’m late for work.

I opened my eyes and chilled – I’m at work.

My daughter asked me, “Dad, what do bees eat?”

I said, “Honey, how should I know?”

What do you call the fear of Santa?

Claustrophobia.

What kind of lotion does a bullfighter use?

Olay!

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly rancher.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

My last apartment only had four-foot high ceilings.

I couldn’t stand living there.

Which animal has the most memory?

The ram.

I heard a large oil company is going to start making gasoline from insect urine.

I think it’s BP.

Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?

He was a little chilli.

Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present.

Inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.

Disappointed, she set the deed down and said…

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Teaching children about fungus…

Is one way to mold young minds.

Did you hear about the promo they’re running at the pet store?

Buy one dog, get one flea.

I went to a restaurant run by cows.

They didn’t allow tipping.

My brother is dating a girl called Rosemary.

I don’t know what he season her.

When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.

They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a hand shake.

When pharmacists get sick…

Do they get a taste of their own medicine?

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

I lost the volume control knob for my radio about a month ago.

It hasn’t turned up since.

I forgot to take my banana to the gym today.

It was a fruitless exercise.

For those of you wondering, yes I am retired.

I was tired yesterday and today I am tired again.

What’s a super power most children have?

Supervision.

What’s a computer’s worst memory?

Terrorbytes!