Joke Of The Day Archives

I once dated a woman who was 1/4 Chinese, 1/4 Turkish, 1/4 Danish, and 1/4 Vietnamese.

She was great but I had to break up with her.

Too many red flags.

I agreed to drive my wife downtown to see a movie because she said parking would be cheap.

But the parking was a lot.

The police just came and arrested my dog.

He had unpaid barking tickets.

I have just released my own fragrance.

The people sitting near me on the bus don’t look like they appreciate it, though.

I tried dating a nun but she stopped talking to me.

I got holy ghosted.

I’ve decided to stop seeking approval from strangers.

Is everyone ok with that?

My half-brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.

I went to school for magicians but failed the final exam.

They were all trick questions.

How can you tell when a bucket gets sick?

It becomes a little pale.

Apparently exercising helps with decision making. It’s true!

I went for a jog today and decided I’m never going again.

You have to be very precise when identifying fungi.

There’s not mushroom for error.

Buy wind chimes.

It’s a pretty sound investment.

My son likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It’s a little drum attic.

My kid called me an old man this morning.

We both laughed and laughed.

Then I changed the WiFi password.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

My budget plan went out the window last month.

It made a great paper airplane.

It is known that there are five Great Lakes in North America.

But one is truly Superior.

I managed to resuscitate a clown the other day.

He’s now on laugh support.

“May you live as long as you want and not want as long as you live” is an Irish toast.

“Bread, cinnamon, eggs and maple syrup” is a French toast.

I told my wife our next door neighbor died.

She said, “Who? Ray?”

I told her it was way too early to celebrate like that.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food right in front of you.

So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight began.

What do you call an attractive monster?

Pretty scary.

I didn’t like working at the steel plant.

It smelt.

I hired a landscape gardener the other day.

But then he came to me and told me that he couldn’t do the work, because my garden is portrait.

I just accidentally put my donor card into the ATM machine.

It cost me an arm and a leg.

Did you know Thing from the Addams Family didn’t start his career as an actor?

He got his start as a stagehand.

Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

I asked the librarian if they had any books on the Titanic.

She said, “Yes, quite a few!”

I replied, “That’s too bad. They’re all ruined by now.”

My wife thinks I’m a trophy husband.

Participation trophy, but still.

What would happen if you torpedoed a Finnish man’s boat?

Helsinki.

I was worried that I hurt my brain…

Until I realized it was all in my head.

I saw my wife using her phone to record herself getting her hair styled.

I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.

At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.

I said. “Let’s not get carried away.”

I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant, “It’s too tight”.

She said, “Try it with the tongue out”.

I said, “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight”.

Not to brag, but I just got hired as a fitness model.

They used me as the “before” picture.

What do you call people who worship the color blue?

Cyantologists.

I have 22 banjos each named for a letter of the alphabet.

I like banjos A through U, but whenever I get the urge to strum “Livin’ on a Prayer” I always reach for banjo V.

What kind of car does an egg drive?

A yolkswagen.

It was so cold yesterday my computer froze.

It was my own fault though, I left too many windows open.

I replaced my rooster with a duck.

Now I wake up at the quack of dawn.

What happens when a man in Prague tries to buy a trampoline?

The Czech bounces.

My wife loves it when I shred cheese.

I always do a grate job.

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.

He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

I was locked in a recording studio and I yelled for help but no one could hear me and I didn’t know why.

I was baffled.

A man goes to a hotel and asks the manager, “How much for a room?”

The manager says, “It’s a $100 regular and $15 if you make your own bed.”

Excitedly the man says, “OK, I’ll make my own bed then.”

“OK, I’ll go get you some nails and wood.”

I can’t decide which type of mattress to buy.

I might have to sleep on it.

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual words were, “You’ve gotten fat,” but I know what she meant.

I woke up this morning and my whole body had turned to corn.

If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears.

What does a blind train drive on?

Braille road tracks.

A Frenchman is staying at a hotel in New York. He phones reception and asks for some pepper. “Of course, would you like black pepper or white pepper?” the receptionist asks.

“No, I need toilet pepper,” the Frenchman replies.