Joke Of The Day Archives

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

Instead of naming my son Drew, I named him Driew.

It’s only weird if you say it backwards.

If you’re in need of a job, you could try Search and Rescue.

They’re always looking for people.

Midwives deserve a lot of respect.

They really help people out.

What do you call a guy pouring water into a glass?

Phil.

A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?

Let’s just let bigons be bigons.

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I don’t know what to make of it.

My husband died and afterwards, I couldn’t even look at another man for almost 20 years.

But now that I’m out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing.

The principal walks by and sees him.

He asks, “Little Johnny, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?”

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.”

The principal asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I’m outside in the fresh air.”

Terrible night last night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.

Got up to check, but the mirror wasn’t working.

What’s the only thing a vegan kills?

A conversation.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?”

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”

The village idiot wanted to get rich.

Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.

Every night, “God, please let me win the lottery!!!!”

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, God steps in front of him and slaps him across his face!

“At least buy a ticket, man!!!”

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos.

Whoever invented dentures missed out on calling them …

Substitooths.

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

The old lady in her weak voice said, “Doreen Jacobs, Room 604.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me anything.”

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later.

I was impressed and asked, “Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?”

My daughter answered, “It’s because of my friend’s stutter.”

A couple of counterfeiters make a mistake one time and end up with a batch of $15 bills.

One of them says, “We gotta get rid of these things. We’ll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They’re so dumb they won’t know a thing.”

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas.

The guy at the counter looks a little simple-minded.

“Hey can you break a 15 dollar bill for me?” one of them says.

“Oh, sure, no problem,” the cashier says.

The counterfeiters grin at each other.

“I told you,” the one whispers to the other, and they fist bump.

Then the cashier says to them, “So, do you want an 8 and a 7, or two 3’s and a 9?”

Americans are getting stronger.

20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.

Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!

What do you get if you cross Islam and capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

I’m a professional counterfeiter.

Look, I even have the documents to prove it.

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh.

My wife asked if I would stop singing “Wonderwall”.

I said maybe.

Look, I’m all for coloring books …

But connect-the-dots? That’s where I draw the line.

Why can’t male fortune tellers have children?

They have crystal balls.

I don’t like math puns.

But I will make one if I half two.

What did the Earth say after the earthquake?

Sorry! My fault.

I was driving to the airport to catch my flight when I saw a sign that said: “Airport Left”.

So I turned around and went home.

My wife sent me a text saying, “Your the best!”

To which I replied, “No, you’re the best!”

She’s been on cloud 9 ever since, feeling so loved and in love.

I don’t have the heart to tell her that I was just correcting her grammar.

I met my wife at the glue factory where we both worked.

We bonded immediately.

I’m not a fan of elevator music.

It’s bad on so many levels.

What do you call a man in debt?

Owen.

A history degree is useless.

There’s no future in it.

I recently joined a nudist colony.

The first few days were the hardest.

How do Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head solve their arguments?

They hash it out.

What do you call a knight made entirely out of fine china?

Sir-amic.

What do you call a Samurai who is bad at grammar?

Me or Sam.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked.

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

What kind of spells do leprechauns use?

Lucky charms.

What is it called when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?

A plane in the neck.

Wanted: Someone to brush their teeth with me.

Because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won’t prevent tooth decay.

No weirdos.

What did the electrician’s boss say when he came late to work?

Wire you insulate?

Where do spiders seek health advice?

WebMD.

Why was the child’s blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

Why does a fork have four prongs?

Because if it had less it would be called a threek.

How are parking spaces measured?

In parking meters.