Joke Of The Day Archives

Did you know the original spelling of banana was “bannanna”?

The present spelling was adopted about 250 years ago during the Enlightenment.

When measuring the circumference of a pie, using one pie is not enough.

But 2πr.

Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.

I said that’s not nececelery true.

Why did Gandalf get fired from the university?

No matter how hard they studied, he kept telling all the students, “You shall not pass!”

Who has a higher rank than a lieutenant?

A lieulandlord.

A newly-married couple wakes up on their first Christmas morning together.

The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, “Merry Christmas, hun! Don’t get up, I have a surprise for you. As your first Christmas present, I’m going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed… Eggs Benedict!”

“Wow, great!” says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.

A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict; fresh and steaming hot on a plate.

The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he’s never seen before.

Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.

“This is wonderful, darling!” the husband says. “But what’s with the fancy plate, did you get it especially for today?”

“Of course I did,” beams the wife. “It’s Christmas! There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

I am driving through England, and plan to stop at Greenwich tomorrow.

No idea what to do in the Mean Time.

How do you know that birds are spies?

Because they are always in de skies.

My kids think I use outdated technology.

But they’re just ignoring the fax.

Why are dentists’ graves hard to find?

There’s no plaque.

I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof.

I was shocked.

I’ve decided I want a pet termite. I’m going to call him Clint.

Clint Eatswood.

I want to tell you about the North American brown bear and the damage it can do to a feeble human.

But I’ll spare you the grizzly details.

This furniture goes back to Louis the 14th.

Really?

Yes, unless we pay Louis by the 13th.

I was really angry when I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

What do rich people say when they tickle their baby?

Gucci Gucci Gucci.

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory.

I got an elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.”

“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”

He scratched his head, “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

I met my wife on the net.

We were both bad trapeze artists.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her, “I think you mean fewer”.

I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

What’s the difference between grey and gray?

One is a color, and the other is a colour.

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to start doing yoga with her.

I said, “Well this puts me in an awkward position.”

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

Life Pro Tip: If a sushi restaurant is giving you a discount, don’t take it.

You’re getting a raw deal.

How do you survive a fall from the Eiffel Tower?

You quickly pull your Paris chute.

What do you call a fish with a bow tie?

Sofishticated.

I tripped over a box of Kleenex this morning and thought I had broken my ankle.

Thankfully, it was just soft tissue damage.

I’ve joined a new dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every day, so it’s guaranteed I’m getting a hot date eventually.

I programmed a pirate game, but users said the main character doesn’t look enough like a pirate.

There will be a patch soon.

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.

To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.

He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

Women want guys to be 6ft.

I cannot fathom why.

I had a hard time figuring out why I don’t consider cottage cheese truly “cheese”.

But it’s just a curd to me.

I accidentally stepped in wet cement in the front walkway of this building because I was in a rush to get to my first job interview.

I’m pretty sure I left a bad impression.

I’m at the airport and there’s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel!

She’s slowly coming around now.

My son bought a new reversible jacket.

I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

Why do all witches wear black?

So you can’t tell which witch is which.

I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people.

It was a rare medium, but well done.

Why don’t ghosts like to take showers?

Because it dampens their spirits.

If Mario lived in the United States, what state would he live in?

Luigiana.

What do you get when you send a wolf to therapy?

Aware wolf.

Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in.

Me: Actually, since we’re underground, it would be magma.

Devil: You understand this is why you’re here, right?

Why do people who have TikTok get sick?

Because of all the influenzas.

I had a flat tire last night, but I’m too broke to get it fixed.

I have to come up with a retirement plan.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.