Joke Of The Day

After the ballet skirt was invented, the creators spent days coming up with a name.

Finally, they put tu and tu together.

I know someone who swings from ropes whilst spray painting pictures of vegetables in cages.

He’s a trapped peas artist.

Did you hear about the man who was brought in by the fashion police?

They questioned him over his criminal ties.

A friend asked me if I had seen the film “Tractor”.

“No,” I replied, “But I’ve seen the trailer.”

After spending an hour unclogging the bathtub and sink…

I’m feeling pretty drained.

I’m very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club.

We go back years.

I saw an Irish dancing show today called Streamdance.

It’s not quite as good as Riverdance, but then it is only a tributary act.

I asked for a helicopter biscuit.

They didn’t have any so I had to have a plane one.

I do enjoy playing “telekinetic snooker”.

However, you’ve got to be in the right frame of mind for it.

I thought I heard Tubular Bells on my farm last Christmas.

But it was just my cold field.

I always find it hard to rent a trailer.

I’ve never managed it without a hitch.

A guy told me to buy shares in a company that makes alcohol from apples.

He’s been done for in-cider trading.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

It’s called lunch.

My friend sent me a joke in the mail.

Took me a few days to get it.

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

If the lettuce display at the grocery store falls over again…

I swear, heads are gonna roll.

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes,” used to be a fun little kids’ song.

Now it’s a list of things that hurt.

I’m not saying I’m attractive.

But when I take my clothes off in the bathroom, I turn the shower on.

Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.

Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.

I said to my wife, “For the last 15 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes in anything I say.”

She said, “16 years…”

Two slices of bread got married.

The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

I bought a book called “1001 Uses for Binary”.

When I got home, I was disappointed to find out there were only 9 entries.

I like to mark my calendar with bright neon colors.

It’s the highlight of my day.

My next-door neighbor’s front door is made of sponge.

Lots of people don’t like it, but I have to admit, I can’t knock it.

Her: At least invite me out to dinner.

Him: I don’t go out with married women.

Her: But I’m your wife.

Him: I make no exceptions.

My friend has an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

My wife said she wants to spend our savings on learning to drive a steamroller.

I said I’m not going to stand in her way.

I went to an archaeology party where they were only looking for remains of a lower leg.

It was a shindig.

When I was young, I was very poor.

After years of struggle, I’m no longer young.

I went on an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on my screen.

I think it was a zoom meat tin.

I tried making a candlelit dinner.

I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven.

I got in to trouble when I was in the army when they found me with trifles, ice cream and cakes.

They said I was a desserter.

A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift.

I thought it was very sweet.

I woke up to find my mustache was missing this morning.

Someone must have stolen it right under my nose.

So you’re telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it’s cute…

But when I do it, I need an intervention?

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain…

Due to all the indoor fins.

My wife says I’m the most stubborn and strong-willed person she’s ever met.

But I refuse to accept that.

Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?

Neither did he.

Friend: Can I set up a cloning lab in your basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

One of the animals in the local zoo is pregnant, but nobody is comfortable talking about it.

It’s the elephant in the womb.

Breaking news: A truck full of pepper mills has crashed on the highway.

The traffic has ground to a halt.

My biggest goal for this year is to buy a Velcro wall.

I plan on sticking to it.

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

I’m writing a book about drinking beer.

I’m currently on my 4th draft.

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips.

Yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and hide his stuff where he can’t find it.

Like I put his shoes in the shoe closet, his jacket on the hanger and his keys on the key hook.

I was alone in the bath.

Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!

I’ve never owned a telescope in my life.

But it’s something I’m considering looking into.

My doctor told me that I’m suffering from insomnia.

I asked, “Is it serious?”

He said, “There’s no cause for any alarm.”

So I just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, I won’t be covered.