What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins.

I’m an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December…

I’m eggnogstic.

I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs.

I said, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”

My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it.

So I bought her a candle.

When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren’t surprised…

But you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It’s the little things that count.

Did you know Santa actually only had two reindeer?

Rudolph and Olive, the other reindeer.

Rudolph likely won’t be flying this year because his grades in History class dropped from a B to a D…

That’s right folks, Rudolph went down in History.

My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…

Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

$0, it’s on the house.

I told my Australian girlfriend that the Christmas wreath she bought was great, but to please make sure it doesn’t block the doorway.

Because then it would be a Great Barrier Wreath.

The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity.

So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

My wife has set a limit on how much we spend on each other this Christmas.

It’s $50 on me, and $1000 on her.

At this time of year, there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

Maybe that’s why I’m no longer a fireman.