Christmas Card Jokes And Puns

It’s time to stamp out bad Christmas jokes, so we decided to post this collection of funny Christmas card jokes and puns that really push the envelope!

Header image for a page of funny Christmas card jokes and puns.

Funny Christmas Card Jokes

Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out.

Must be from my Uncle Ben.

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we’ll go places!

What do Elon Musk’s Christmas cards say?

“Tesla season to be jolly!”

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross-mouse cards!

Hi, I’m Poseidon. Just had to share this. I’m so proud of my boy. He’s already working on his Christmas cards for this year, and I walked by and noticed what he was writing in each one.

Sea son’s greetings.

Why do people send out Christmas cards?

Because it’d be awkward if they sent out Valentine’s day cards.

I thought I would be proud of sealing all the Christmas cards myself.

But the whole ordeal just left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

One cold winter morning, during the Christmas season, a mailman was doing his route.

As he was delivering all the Christmas cards, he came to a house and realized that they had so much mail that it wouldn’t fit in the box, so he decided to knock on the door.

As the door was answered, a beautiful blond woman stood staring at him.

The mailman said “I’m sorry for bothering you, but I couldn’t get all your mail into your box, so here it is.”

The woman looked at him and said, “Why don’t you come in and take a break – it’s cold outside!”

The mailman agreed an stepped into the house.

A few minutes later, the woman says, “I have an idea. Let’s go upstairs and make love!”

The woman was quite beautiful, so the mailman followed her.

After a while, the two came back down the stairs.

The mailman said, “Wow, that was great but I must be getting back to my route.”

The lady replied, “Oh, don’t go yet, let’s have some breakfast!”

She then opened the door to the dining room and the table was covered with food.

After the meal, the mailman said, “Okay, I’ve really got to go!”

The woman replied, “Well, thank you,” and handed him a one dollar bill.

The mailman was confused. “What’s going on here? You invite me in, make love to me, cook me a great breakfast, then hand me a dollar!”

The woman replied, “Well, I asked my husband the other day what he thought we should give the mailman for Christmas. He said, ‘Oh, screw him! Give ’em a dollar!’ But breakfast was my idea!”

It was the night before Christmas and three colleagues were stumbling their way home after having several drinks after work, at the local pub.

Unfortunately on their way home, they were struck by a car and all died instantly.

Moments later, they all found themselves in front of the pearly gates of heaven.

Saint Nicolas was waiting in front of the gates himself.

“Welcome to heaven, unfortunately it’s the silly season and we are very busy inside, so I have to insist, unless you have something relating to Christmas with you, you will need to go down there.”

The first person walked up and pulled a Christmas card out of their inside pocket and handed it over to Saint Nicolas.

“This is fine, in you go then,” he said.

The second person walked up and pulled out an apple, gave it to Saint Nicolas and said, “It’s for the reindeers”

“Well… okay,” Saint Nicolas begrudgingly agreed gesturing for them to walk in.

The third and final person walked forward and remembered a present they had gotten earlier that evening, and presented a pair of panties to Saint Nicolas who said, “I don’t know what kind of establishment you think this is but…”

“They’re Carol’s.”

A woman walks into a post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the cashier, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

“What denomination?” asks the cashier.

She thinks for a while and replies, “Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Catholic and 32 Protestant.”

If Hallmark made a holiday card with racy hip hop lyrics in it- would you call that a Christmas Card-I B?

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Santa.

Santa who?

Santa Christmas card to you.

Jokes About Christmas Cards

If you enjoyed these puns and jokes about Christmas cards, be sure to read the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: