You don’t like plant jokes? What stomata with you! Don’t worry though, because these biology jokes and one liners don’t just include plant jokes.
There’s much more than that. So we hope you enjoy reading this collection of funny biology jokes and puns. If you do, be sure to take a look at our other science jokes too.
Best Biology Jokes & Puns
Which biochemicals wash up on beaches?
What do you call a place of worship made out of amino acids?
A cysteine chapel.
“Today,” said the professor, “I will be lecturing about the liver and spleen.”
Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, “Damn, if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s an organ recital.”
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages?
He was a man of many cultures.
What do you call a faulty spirometer?
What do you call an oral hygiene product for the brain?
Is there a big difference between male and female anatomy?
Yes, a vas deferens.
Where do they send the criminal neurons?
To the chain ganglion.
What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What kind of notebook does a dendrochronologist use?
A tree-ring binder.
A guy accidentally ingested some alpha-L-glucose but he had no ill effect.
Apparently he was ambidextrose.
What’s a pirate’s favorite amino acid?
What’s the study of real estate?
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
An itsy bitsy book.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature?
What did the femur say to the patella?
I kneed you.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?
I like your “style”
My son came home from school and said, “My teacher gave me a B for my biology practical.”
I said, “That’s good.”
He said, “Not really. Everyone else got a frog to cut up.”
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon?
He caught the garter snake.
One plant says to another, “Are you hungry?”
The other replies, “I could use a light snack.”
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Where do you bury dead people?
What do biologists wear on their heads when playing football?
We just hired a molecular biologist.
Man, is he small.
What is the reproductive area in South America?
What do you call a member of the financial staff of the faculty of Biology?
Where do hippos go to university?
A couple of biologists had twins.
One they called John and the other control.
What type of flowers does everybody have?
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
What do you call the union of a sheep and a ram?
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards?
They like to avoid the flush.
What do you call cabs which provide drug therapy?
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets?
Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Why couldn’t the plants escape prison?
Because their cells were surrounded by walls.
A red blood cell walked into a busy restaurant.
The hostess asked, “Would you like to sit at the bar?”
The red cell replied, “No thanks, I’ll just circulate.”
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
How do you recognize a native American cell biologist?
He lives in ATP.
How does the nucleus communicate with ribosomes?
With a cell phone.
How do you know you’re dehydrated?
You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What did the cell say when it was dividing?
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
How do you make a hormone?
Don’t pay her.
Which sex hormone hates going west?
What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house?
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t hear an enzyme.
What do you get if you give growth hormones to an ant?
A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed her testosterone.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
“Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but
I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair
in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor reassured her, “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”
“On my balls.”
We have to stop talking about mitosis.
It’s such a divisive issue.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe?
100 people were asked if they knew, or if they didn’t know what mitosis was.
It was a 50% split.
Jokes about mitosis aren’t funny.
Especially when told twice.
What’s Kim Jong Un’s favorite step of mitosis?
The other day my sister asked me what the difference between cellular division and a sock is.
I said, “Nothing, they both involve mitosis”.
DNA, Gene & Chromosome Jokes
How do you tell the gender of a person?
You pull their genes down.
What do DNA helicase and perverts have in common?
They both want to unzip your genes.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick?
How do you eat DNA-spaghetti?
With a replication fork.
Why are men sexier than women?
You can’t spell sexy without xy.
What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
Pull down its genes.
Why do they use chromosomes in advertising?
Because you know, sex cells.
What did the one chromosome say to the other chromosome?
Do these genes make me look fat?
What do you call a train conductor on a chromosome?
A genetic engineer.
Biology One Liners
I don’t know what carbon dating is, but I’ll try anything at this point…
If I go to jail, my nickname will be mitochondria so I’m the power house of the cell.
Two blood cells met and married, but alas it was all in vein.
Why do noses run but feet smell?
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.
A bacteriologist is a man whose conversation always starts with the germ of an idea.
When you breath, you inspire; when you do not breath, you expire.
The Biology Student
There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a specific focus on terns.
He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from, of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.
He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.
After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.
The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jell-o. Finally, the department head rose.
The light reflected off her steel rimmed glasses as she stared down at our student.
“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”
Our student turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned.”