LaffGaff Archives

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….

On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

It hurts me to say this…

But, I have a sore throat.

Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?

Stationary.

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Can I get you a drink?” “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“How about something to eat?”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“What about some peanuts?”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Frustrated, the bartender cries, “What’s with the long no’s!?”

I thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.

But it was a false Salaam.

Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?

They only have a pair of trunks.

Why don’t the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?

Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins.

I’m an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December…

I’m eggnogstic.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the heck am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby.

Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife.
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”

I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.

What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion?

Claude.

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.

She said, “Wear your own then.”

I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.

Now, I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

He picked up the hammer and saw.